I can't believe that we're approaching 1 yr in since everything changed. Our company was starting to prepare for possible closures, I recall Friday, March 13 - I was the first in my department to test working from work and seeing if there was glitches, and the following week, everyday different personnel were going to try and work from home. The goal was for everybody to get a taste so in case of closures, everybody was prepared. Work started that if schools closed, we were closing too for the safety of everybody and since most of the work is online, it should be ok.
Well that Friday, schools suddenly shut down. It was very unexpected.
I went to work Monday at my physical job, to get apprised from any information, I may have missed being in the office and Tuesday, I would start working from Home. Been here, in its totality since March 17, 2020. Such a weird year.
Don't get me wrong, the only down side is that sometimes you just don't feel like doing anything else than work. At first I enjoyed it, since we were super involved with baseball with my son and it had recently split up, it was a nice break to finally have time for ourselves. We had also recently moved, to La Puente from South El Monte, so the house wasn't quite home ready for us. We were still working on making it our own. We really needed us time, or mainly I needed time, to make it feel like my own. I started becoming a busy body. Working hard at work and working hard at home. I stayed busy.
I've enjoyed being home and still do but I hate not being able to see people. I have seen my family here and there but not the same of course.
Lately though, I have been feeling very down. I know, I am not the only one. I am mainly an introvert, but at the same time, I did enjoy spending time with my baseball moms. We would vent to each and complain about life, and work and we would soon find out that we were all on the same boat. Including with our hubbies and our kids. We no longer felt alone. We were all united and we always had each other. In fact, we all became close friends, and hang outs. We finally had adult friends to celebrate each other's bdays and felt like our teenage kids hanging out with friends but the benefits of being adults. We would take a yearly trip to Laughlin and just relax with the kids and us. I know my honey definitely looked forward to this, because it got us away from the daily life. It was nice to be away and have beach time, and pool time. We all needed this! We went to Vegas a couple times also and even though vegas was because of baseball we all kept getting closer as a group.
When you have such a close group and then you can't see anybody, it can be a total shock to the system. I am going to say, its not like we haven't seen each other at all. We have safely, with distant protocols have seen a few people but can't hang out. I miss it but I get it. We all need to have safety protocols so that the spread is contained. One of our mom friends, had Covid early on, and during that time, she lost her dad, it was so hard not being able to be there for her and seeing through a window what she was going through, and even though she had her family this pandemic still made it a lonely and sad moment for her especially. She was her dad's only daughter, When his cancer was discovered, she was his caregiver and when she contracted the virus, she was no longer able to see him, so heartbreaking! It hard enough being there for a dying parent, and then not being able to be there. It made me sad thinking of everything my mom went through.
This past week, I feel so unlike myself. Everything makes me cry, I don't feel like anything. I have my hubby and son and I don't want to be selfish but I also don't want to feel like this. We were watching the Sopranos and the wife went to France, and it made me cry at the thought that I will never make it out there. Lately, I see so much on the news about people struggling because a member of their family lost their lives through to Covid and I am thankful that we're doing ok. So many people with Go Fund Me, and so many people struggling. I get it, but I can't give. It made me sad at first and I wanted to give to everybody, now it makes me sad and don't want to give to anybody. We're all struggling with those same issues. So many people can't work and we can't save everybody monetarily luckily there are so many services, to help out. .
But, I worry, if something happened to one of us, if we would be ok.
(I know, I am everywhere in my thoughts, but I guess I just want to get this out of my chest in hopes, I will feel better. )
I sometimes feel bad, because after my mom passed away, I stopped caring for family other than my Dad and siblings, no one above them matter as much. It felt like she kept it together or they respected her so people were always around with her and with her gone, no one cared, or they needed someone to replace her so they kept trying to use me like if I was her, but I am me not her. I could never be her. I felt everybody was being selfish and did not care enough to our needs. We lost our parents, and people would be like I was their little "Gollita" - Mom's nickname "Golla", it made it easier pushing people away, I just couldn't.
Recently, one of my aunts told me that my uncle's ex passed away and said it like nothing. My mom always spoke highly about her and cared for the kids. It made me sad how "by the way.." they spoke about her passing. I felt hurt, 1) she just passed away 2) regardless of your liking, she is still mother to your niece and nephews 3) what kind of soul do you have?
I wasn't sure if I trusted their word to her passing. I asked her, who was her source and she said her sister in Mexico and my reaction (I know not correct) I exclaimed, "But, who told her, she didn't even like her!" - and my aunt went straight to the defensive and said that the other person did not like her, which is beyond the point, she only had her sister's perspective and I had my mom's with the insight of how cruel my MX aunt was to her. She had 3 children from my uncle, the cheating, the children and her witnessing him with a whore, his drunkenness and lack of being there. His ineptitude made her work hard to provide for her kids. Even though, my aunt didn't like her, she had family and my grandma ran away from us when my mom died, so my grandma could have seen the kids too. I know she's older but still her responsibility when it was her son who was failing as a man and a father. They should have helped or at least nagged my uncle to get his shit together for the sake of the kids. He was doing bad, and they were instead negative towards her. What woman does not see another one working hard to support her kids?! It made me sad. My aunt called me to ask for money for the children. I asked her, who were they with, who was taking care of them... no body knows. I don't know where the money would go. I felt bad but without clear answers.
I had recently sent money for a cousin who was in a motorcycle accident and he was going to have surgery. Also, sent money to my uncle, by buying a belt he made, to help him out. I don't think they understand that I have student loans, I owe, I barely make enough to get by and they think we can help for everything. I can't, even "$0" is better than -$28, 000, you know? Because no matter what, what ever I earn, already has someone it has to go on top of my other duties, for them, its just their duties and where ever else.
I did reach out to a couple of my mom's closest friends who are not my aunt's closest friends. They only had the same information my aunt had given them about my little cousin's mother. I don't know anybody out there that would know her and that made me sad. I would definitely sent money but to a reliable source. I don't know who to trust, isn't this sad?!
The following week my uncle did message me through FB, he asked me, "Hello you know that my kids' mother passed away?" I pretended not to know. He said "Covid took her" so I asked when it happened and how the kids are, but he said it was hard to tell and since they are teens. He did mention that she worked caring for older people, and they also passed from the same so they probably gave it to her, she passed 3 day difference from them.
The way people remember people, it makes me so sad. I will not be remembered either. I am trying cherish the little moments with my nieces and nephews. My son, right now is at a stage in his life, where he just wants to play video games with his friends, he also can't go out so it's alright. I just need my life to be a happy one, you know what I mean? It isn't always but it needs to be.
Felt good to get off chest.
