1/6 of year 2021

 Two months into 2021, Biden is President, Trump did not get impeached for a 2nd time - our senate is failing us once again, but whatever! 

Was a sad beginning since it was the first time, we didn't start it with my dad but it's ok, he is safe and we are safe as well. Thank GOD! 

Johnson worked so my son and I started the year together, it was nice. HE was only there for a few minutes but he came out to start the year with his mama! Can't ask for more. 

Turned 36, can't believe it, still feel like a child. Still as clueless as an 18 yr old and twice as old. Not a bad day, since it was delayed due to my honey being tired from working at night, he forgot to pick up the cake he ordered, they sang the next day and since it was Friday, they kind of made it a weekend out of it. It was nice to be celebrated more than one day for once. Saturday, I cannot quite recall but Sunday, he took me to pick up food at the place my sister works at in Fontana, Pancho Villa's and we went to her place and hung out there for a little. It was nice to be amongst family., 

Oh, and Mid Jan, I was promoted to Supervisor in my Department. OA Supervisor. Worked hard, after a year and a half, very proud and happy. Its nice to be noticed! But, even with all of this, why must one sometimes still feel sad?! 

(We did cancel Christmas, My Bro and his fam & my sis and her fam got Covid so for safety of all , so sad, we also had to cancel Little Roland's bday) 

We were finally all able to get together for Ariya's, since we were providing the house, it was finally nice to all be together. My princess turned 6. It was cute, she loved it. Love spoiling my kids. I truly feel like I love for them. They all give me a light of happiness, I can't explain! Though my bro with the fam in the car on the way home had some car troubles. Thank God, they all made it safely thanks to Erick, who came to their rescue! I thank thank above enough. 

My sis and fam, bro Orland and family and us, we got together for superbowl. It was a nice evening... 

Been to visit my sis Feb 20th, I need some interaction, She made me breakfast and we went to 5 below, Daiso, Target, a little shopping and errands. It was a nice day. That morning, I discovered a bump in my left leg, close to my feminine area, It's been worrying me but I was on my monthly thing, so embarrassed to get it checked out. Its still there, right now, I know I need to go, it may be nothing and that's what I am praying but, it does scare me. It truly scares me! I need to be smarter to go and stronger to go. 

About a year in to pandemic

 I can't believe that we're approaching 1 yr in since everything changed. Our company was starting to prepare for possible closures, I recall Friday, March 13 - I was the first in my department to test working from work and seeing if there was glitches, and the following week, everyday different personnel were going to try and work from home. The goal was for everybody to get a taste so in case of closures, everybody was prepared. Work started that if schools closed, we were closing too for the safety of everybody and since most of the work is online, it should be ok. 

Well that Friday, schools suddenly shut down. It was very unexpected. 

I went to work Monday at my physical job, to get apprised from any information, I may have missed being in the office and Tuesday, I would start working from Home. Been here, in its totality since March 17, 2020. Such a weird year. 

Don't get me wrong, the only down side is that sometimes you just don't feel like doing anything else than work. At first I enjoyed it, since we were super involved with baseball with my son and it had recently split up, it was a nice break to finally have time for ourselves. We had also recently moved, to La Puente from South El Monte, so the house wasn't quite home ready for us. We were still working on making it our own. We really needed us time, or mainly I needed time, to make it feel like my own. I started becoming a busy body. Working hard at work and working hard at home. I stayed busy. 

I've enjoyed being home and still do but I hate not being able to see people. I have seen my family here and there but not the same of course. 

Lately though, I have been feeling very down. I know, I am not the only one. I am mainly an introvert, but at the same time, I did enjoy spending time with my baseball moms. We would vent to each and complain about life, and work and we would soon find out that we were all on the same boat.  Including with our hubbies and our kids.  We no longer felt alone. We were all united and we always had each other. In fact, we all became close friends, and hang outs. We finally had adult friends to celebrate each other's bdays and felt like our teenage kids hanging out with friends but the benefits of being adults. We would take a yearly trip to Laughlin and just relax with the kids and us. I know my honey definitely looked forward to this, because it got us away from the daily life. It was nice to be away and have beach time, and pool time. We all needed this! We went to Vegas a couple times also and even though vegas was because of baseball we all kept getting closer as a group. 

When you have such a close group and then you can't see anybody, it can be a total shock to the system. I am going to say, its not like we haven't seen each other at all. We have safely, with distant protocols have seen a few people but can't hang out. I miss it but I get it. We all need to have safety protocols so that the spread is contained. One of our mom friends, had Covid early on, and during that time, she lost her dad, it was so hard not being able to be there for her and seeing through a window what she was going through, and even though she had her family this pandemic still made it a lonely and sad moment for her especially. She was her dad's only daughter, When his cancer was discovered, she was his caregiver and when she contracted the virus, she was no longer able to see him, so heartbreaking! It hard enough being there for a dying parent, and then not being able to be there. It made me sad thinking of everything my mom went through. 

This past week, I feel so unlike myself. Everything makes me cry, I don't feel like anything. I have my hubby and son and I don't want to be selfish but I also don't want to feel like this. We were watching the Sopranos and the wife went to France, and it made me cry at the thought that I will never make it out there. Lately, I see so much on the news about people struggling because a member of their family lost their lives through to Covid and I am thankful that we're doing ok. So many people with Go Fund Me, and so many people struggling. I get it, but I can't give. It made me sad at first and I wanted to give to everybody, now it makes me sad and don't want to give to anybody. We're all struggling with those same issues. So many people can't work and we can't save everybody monetarily luckily there are so many services, to help out.  .

But, I worry, if something happened to one of us, if we would be ok. 

(I know, I am everywhere in my thoughts, but I guess I just want to get this out of my chest in hopes, I will feel better. ) 

I sometimes feel bad, because after my mom passed away, I stopped caring for family other than my Dad and siblings, no one above them matter as much. It felt like she kept it together or they respected her so people were always around with her and with her gone, no one cared, or they needed someone to replace her so they kept trying to use me like if I was her, but I am me not her. I could never be her.  I felt everybody was being selfish and did not care enough to our needs. We lost our parents, and people would be like I was their little "Gollita" - Mom's nickname "Golla", it made it easier pushing people away, I just couldn't. 

Recently, one of my aunts told me that my uncle's ex passed away and said it like nothing. My mom always spoke highly about her and cared for the kids. It made me sad how "by the way.." they spoke about her passing. I felt hurt, 1) she just passed away 2) regardless of your liking, she is still mother to your niece and nephews 3) what kind of soul do you have? 

I wasn't sure if I trusted their word to her passing. I asked her, who was her source and she said her sister in Mexico and my reaction (I know not correct) I exclaimed, "But, who told her, she didn't even like her!" - and my aunt went straight to the defensive and said that the other person did not like her, which is beyond the point, she only had her sister's perspective and I had my mom's with the insight of how cruel my MX aunt was to her. She had 3 children from my uncle, the cheating, the children and her witnessing him with a whore, his drunkenness and lack of being there. His ineptitude made her work hard to provide for her kids. Even though, my aunt didn't like her, she had family and my grandma ran away from us when my mom died, so my grandma could have seen the kids too. I know she's older but still her responsibility when it was her son who was failing as a man and a father. They should have helped or at least nagged my uncle to get his shit together for the sake of the kids. He was doing bad,  and they were instead negative towards her. What woman does not see another one working hard to support her kids?! It made me sad. My aunt called me to ask for money for the children. I asked her, who were they with, who was taking care of them... no body knows. I don't know where the money would go. I felt bad but without clear answers. 

I had recently sent money for a cousin who was in a motorcycle accident and he was going to have surgery. Also, sent money to my uncle, by buying a belt he made, to help him out.  I don't think they understand that I have student loans, I owe, I barely make enough to get by and they think we can help for everything. I can't, even "$0" is better than -$28, 000, you know? Because no matter what, what ever I earn, already has someone it has to go on top of my other duties, for them, its just their duties and where ever else. 

I did reach out to a couple of my mom's closest friends who are not my aunt's closest friends. They only had the same information my aunt had given them about my little cousin's mother. I don't know anybody out there that would know her and that made me sad. I would definitely sent money but to a reliable source. I don't know who to trust, isn't this sad?! 

The following week my uncle did message me through FB, he asked me, "Hello you know that  my kids' mother passed away?" I pretended not to know. He said "Covid took her" so I asked when it happened and how the kids are, but he said it was hard to tell and since they are teens. He did mention that she worked caring for older people, and they also passed from the same so they probably gave it to her, she passed 3 day difference from them. 

The way people remember people, it makes me so sad. I will not be remembered either. I am trying cherish the little moments with my nieces and nephews. My son, right now is at a stage in his life, where he just wants to play video games with his friends, he also can't go out so it's alright. I just need my life to be a happy one, you know what I mean? It isn't always but it needs to be. 

Felt good to get off chest. 

A move is inevitable

I have been living at my current household for almost 6 years, I moved in November 9th, 2013. It was just my bf, his mother and his schizophrenic brother. I had gotten a job down the street with his friend and traveling 80 for work at a minimum wage would not be convenient.

My son and I picked up our stuff and uprooted our lives. It was the best thing I could have done for the both of us.

Anyways, during this time, we have been here, there have been issues with the home. As far as I have been aware of, the landlord has not made any updates or offered to fix issues we have. I know my M-I-L restroom leaks, so I can only imagine the extra water we're paying for our bill. I know the water in the front, which is where we can shut off the water, leaks too a little in the front, and I know my M-I-L already bought and changed the faucet to try and avoid the leaking, it's better but still a small issue.

A while ago a pipe broke and he had a huge problem in our living room because of the leak. Things got messed up but I convinced my M-I-L to reach out to landlord. Someone came but they had to come like 3 times because there were still issues. We rented carpet cleaner because it would suck up the water. It was such a hassle and inconvenience we had to throw away damaged items.

Earlier this year the wooden porch in the backyard started falling and I suggested to my M-I-L to tell landlord to fix because it's dangerous to go outside. I was trying to set up for my son to practice pitching in the back yard, when that happened, I will not send him because we don't know if it can fall and hurt us at any moment. This was like Feb/March and it's now end of October and still it has not been fixed.

Our Kitchen Sink, fell in about last week of August, this time I urged my bf to let the landlord know because we cannot wash wishes and function well with that essential need for daily function. He sent notification with our rent payment to the landlord, with pictures and landlord replied with eviction letter stating that house has too many issues and rather have us move out by end of October to fix and sell. They mentioned that if we would have informed them of issues before they came up they would deal with them. But, we let them know about the porch and decided not to fix. How were we suppose to know the wood surrounded the sink was rotting and it would fall in. I don't know if there are termites but it that whole counter needs to be replaced to be able to be fixed.

This family has been here since like the late 80s, around 30 years paying rent every month without delay and lack of attention to their own home, causes them to ask us to move?

My M-I-L told me when she told them about garage door not opening, they told her that they didn't need it as much so they would not fix it. That door has not been open, I wanna say more than 20 years ago. I feel like this landlord has taken advantage of her not knowing her rights. She is in total fear of letting them know more issues in risk of rent being upped. She had mentioned this happening in the last. Since I have been here, rent has gone up 2-3 times and I get it, market changes but as rent goes up no repairs were made to the home.

With these news, the stress gets you and you worry about how alone you feel and everything that needs to be done. My son still has the rest of this 8th grade year and a change in the middle of the year can be detrimental to his grades and how he we succeed next year. I would rather not remove him from his school and allow him to finish. I was so worried when I heard the news and I cried, with everything I needed to go. My bf just said relax, let's find a place first and then we will worry about everything else. I felt so alone for a few days. I talked to my friends, and shortly after they started helping us with information on our rights and helping us by sending us homes to looked like. I no longer felt alone. With the information they were providing, I felt empowered and fortunate with their knowledge. It's crazy how you can go a whole life not really having friends you can trust  with your every day life and issues, but my baseball Moms and Dads have been the greatest friends and support I could have asked for.

Right now we are starting to go to open houses and see what we can do since we know no matter what we must move but there will be an internal fight within the household because this will finally we our own place but my m-i-l wants to take all her furniture and unfortunately we want to start new and do not want anything. We will see what happens but as we are seeing homes, they are smaller and there is no way it would be smart to take anything other than essecial. I hope she can sell and get a little cash in her pocket or something.

I remember when my parents lost the house in Fontana after 10 years, the stuff we had built up, it was a lot. Can you imagine 30 years?! The garage is full of stuff, nothing in there has been touched in over 10 years, I just see a headache to throw away. Wish us luck, I can't believe I'm in a similar situation again. My knees are not the greatest right now so I will need all the support to be able to assist. It's just me an my bf and my 13 yo son. I am hoping this is where we will ask for help once, it's time to leave.

To new beginnings....

New Day 2/1

Today I wake up at home on a friday and nowhere to go ...

My reality until yesterday was work, work, work.... I worked from home extra hours, I travelled to shows and worked extra hours and even my daily routine was  all work and no play because I always wanted to make sure everything was done and everything was good.

Everything changed yesterday evening, I guess the company is downsizing or something so they let me go. I was still in the middle of invoicing customers.  I just got back from a show and there was one more in march.  Right now what needed to done is making a list of what we needed to order from the new items we sold and ship out all the asap orders. Right now there's a lot of work, on my end. I felt weird not being able to finish what I began. I always made sure on my end everything was done right and always went the extra mile to make my customers happy.

In fact, I was their only contact. I spoke to one yesterday who ended up not being able to make it to the show and she told me that she was going to go and treat me to lunch. I created bonds with them because great customer service is what keeps them coming back. I suppose it's part of who I am. I am a people pleaser in a sense but because it's in their interest. I was always looking out for the company so I made our credit card authorizations, and our vendor application, and our price list, and some new policies to help us not be stuck for non payment. I mean, it was my job, to have the best interest and now I feel weird ... I have so much work to do and I can't do it. Is this weird that I want to finish, and I worry that someone who has never done this will do it wrong and that they'll lose money... I always went the extra mile, but will they??  I guess I shouldn't worry anymore but I do.

I was there since the beginning for 5 years... I did learn a lot. I had to self teach myself because we were all inexperienced and the owners were new to it as well.

It's been quite a while since I have wanted to write. It was always an outlet but now with everything being online and everybody find what you write, comment, and read between the lines when it's not there, you worry someone might misread.

Not that I ever wrote something that would affect me in a negative in life, or my job but people can't express themselves the same because some one is always judging and those who should be judged on their negativity are not checked. Well what can you do, c'est la vie 2018!

Right now, I sad but not sad. I know it sounds contradictory. I suppose, I should explain myself better but that's how I feel. I am a little sad or bummed more than anything that my little guy is about to turn 13 in December. I was 4 weeks short exactly of my 21st birthday when he was born. My boy is about to be a Teen and he's my only kid. I want another one and as easy as it was to disappoint my parents with a young pregnancy while I was finishing off my 2nd year of my University.

Now that I want, there are no raining babies. It's suppose to be easy. The worst part is people are so inquisitive. "So when are you going to have another? You son is getting older now!" , " Are you ever going to have more?", " It's time for the girl!", " Have you have talked about having children?", "It's time for you two!", "Why haven't you had kids, it's been a long time?!"

It's funny how everybody knows what to say or what's the best timing. If they only knew, if it were possible I would have had another 2 by now. What's happening, I don't know. What do I say to them? Well, it mostly goes like , " (light laughter) I guess, we just haven't been blessed yet"  or "(hehe) Yea, I suppose it time" ... Anything to just end, the interrogations. Do I want, well yes, but the only ones who need to know are my honey and well my heart. People don't know how sad it makes me I have not been able to be a mom for at least a 2nd time now.

Maybe that's why I have been able to give so much love to my nieces and nephews. I truly love them so much! I can't even believe how much I do. They feel like a little extension, that I just enjoy their presence so much.

I guess the only thing I can do it wait. I have a new born niece and a soon to be 5 month old nephew. Maybe in a way it's good because for the first time in a few years I feel budget is a little tight, but I know I can make it work if need be.

Pro:
I would be happy.

Cons: How am I going to take time off work, we don't get health benefits? If I don't work, I can't pay for monthly insurance. We don't get maternity leave? Where would the baby stay during the day? Will M-I-L watch the baby? Will she quite smoking? If I don't work, I can't afford to pay bills.

Pro:
I would be happy.

Cons: Am I being selfish? How will our finances look?

Pro:
Danny turned out well and never was missing anything. We made it work.

Sometimes I get stuck in my head. I only get a few minutes to think. When I am at work, it's all work work work and one thing and another. As soon as I leave work its typically baseball baseball baseball so when I am there all I think about is if Danny has everything he needs and UNIFORMS is everything ready? When can I pick up my order, we have a tournament. Then I finally get home and all I want to do is rest. I am not going to lie, sometimes I do and rather not do anything else. But, I do make sure loads of clothes are washed. As for cooking, I am fortunate, I don't worry too much. My honey takes care of us in that.

So can I be happy ever though there will be some hardships and sacrifices? I think so. I can't wait to hold my own little one. I hope to be blessed by a miracle because there's no way I can pay for the possibility.

Lost a piece of me

I know I may sound a bit melodramatic but it sure felt like it....

I have lost of piece of me.

21 years ago, I started a path to follow my heart. It was the first memorable moment I felt I had a choice to do what I wanted to do in life as a child. Granted I was 10 years old but I do recall that at a very young age I had liked music. Music was my life.

Some back story...
When I was like 5 my dad was trying to learn piano and I remember trying to take notes because it seemed so interesting. Well slowly I showed interest until we had the opportunity to learn more about music at school, I don't recall if just the Director Ms. Bissell and Mr. Edo who came or if they brought students. I do recall  that she played the oboe and the cello (Jaws) and Mr. Edo played the clarinet and the Drums in my elementary school. I was in 5th grade and finally had the chance to play the violin. For the longest time I was fixated on the violin and I knew what I was going to play. When they came and played  for us, I was so impressed. Later they placed them on a table so we could see them and that was the moment I fell in love for the first time. It the most beautiful instrument I had ever seen in my life, the clarinet.

It got me through middle school, high school and even got me into the music program for the university I went to.

What am I doing now? Well since I stopped teaching music lessons in November 2013,  I now work in a job were I can support my family. The clarinet was my life for the longest time and I enjoyed showing others how to appreciate it and love it.

The clarinet I got in 1995 was a black Selmer Clarinet, it was a new student model that my dad worked his tired body to make sure I would be able to follow my dream. He got it Rent-to-own so you know he over paid for it. And I loved him and the clarinet with all my life.

I am currently out of CA; in Atlanta for a trade show and Johnson texted me asking what I had in the back seat. I told him it was my clarinet. Danny ( my 10 yr old son) was thinking about playing the clarinet in band and since my clarinet needs work we were going to take it apart together and re-pad it, re-cork it,  clean it and put it back together. It was going to be a mommy and son project. I had bought the parts to start this project together.

Johnson just told me it was stolen from his car. A part of me just hurts so much to know this has happened. So many memories so much love I had for it. I was about to pass it down. It was going to be my own special gift. I was so excited when we put it together to test it out and now? Now?? What do I do? It feels like a part of me has been taken/ stolen from me. I know no one understands how I feel about it but I couldn't help but cry. It was my baby.

My baby is gone, my 20 yr old baby!

End of 2015/ Beginning 2016

I am so happy that 2015 ended in a happy note. My brother came back from Deployment which meant we were all complete. It had been long months since we had all been able to hang out together and right before he left was when we were all spring with the fact that my dad had a girlfriend. I think my bro wasn't happy about it because he didn't tell my dad the day he left which broke my heart but I couldn't do anything about it. That was something they needed to work on themselves. But, We're all still working on this issue. I want him (my Dad) to be happy but I can't see her yet. It makes me sad (well part of me), I miss him so much and I feel like less of a family since my mom passed away but the bond between my sibblings and I has gotten stronger and stronger. We have become each other's coping mechanism through it all. We all talk about everything and anything we have to. My mom's passing is still hard on us even though it will be 2 years on May 29th, 2016 but I swear it just happened last month. It hurts not being able to call or see her. Hey passing definitely impacted the family a lot. We lost touch with a lot of the family but then again ( I tried, not enough) they didn't try reaching out either. 

This Thanksgiving 2015 was the first time all my mom's sisters got together and invited us over. It was nice and a bit awkward at first. I can honestly say I was happy to finally be able to see everybody in one room. Seeing as I would invite them for stuff and no one would show. It's hard when you try and no one reciprocates and you have to be the one that gives in. 

In early December, we also had a nice get together with my dad's family. (Finally!) It was also the first time in forever since this had happened. My uncle from MN with his wife were in town so they wanted us to go. It was nice seeing part of the family. This side is so big it will be impossible to ever have us in the same place all at once... Part of us are in Mexico... maybe a good 3rd, about half in Ca and the rest in MN. Mainly it's nice to see my uncles, it's so hard to see them come out, they're like vampires.... only in the nighttime, when not too many people are around, and only if they feel comfortable. This goes for my dad as well. I don't know how he does it though since he plays for a music group. I hear they're doing great. I don't know. 

Christmas, we went to my sister's parent in-laws since that is where she lives... we stayed from the 25th-27th and hung out as much as possible, bonded, played Loteria...we won and lost time. It was much needed adult time while the kids played with their new toys. This is when we saw my brother for the first time. He seems happy. I am sure being on land is better than being stuck in a ship for months... I don't know how he did it but thank God he is back. We all missed his sarcastic nonsense.  

On the 27th, We had Dinner with Ms. Lisa Fevola, Karen Gallimore and Forest Blackwelder... High school teachers... I can't believe I have gotten the opportunity to see them after this long time. Lisa insisted I call her by her first name since we're all adults. Karen and Lisa were our Mock Trial advisers in high school and they definitely had a role and impact in our lives. These ladies are amazing woman, admirable. I hope to one day be like them. 

On that note, we ended 2015, on a fine note. Full of happiness and surprises to go around. I am hoping that 2016 will bring more tears of joy. And if everything goes well I hope that we can start building a small family of our own. In like 5 days I will turn 32 and my clock is ticking, a dream told me so... I don't know if it's true but I do recall my mom having my brothers at 30 and after that I don't recall much. I hope there's time but I want to be safe... 

Anything Dec. 31st Danny, Johnson and I brought in the New Year. I made Tamales and Johnson made cupcakes and we all frosted them. We drank wine and Danny drank Cider. I can only wish for this next year to bring light and joy to our lives. I have a feeling it will be a great year. 

Now to get ready for this year at work. I am happy New Year's Day I got to sleep in, make sopita de estrellitas, take a nap and end the night with Pizza and watching Pixels as as small family. In abut 20 days I fly out to Atlanta for a trade show then New Orleans right after. I am exhausted already but we can do this. I am ready! 

2016 please be good to us!