Just the process of life

The first Sunday, Johnson and I got to sleep some. Since June every weekend we spend weekends and sometimes a few days during the week making tamales. It was tiring work but man was the food delicious. I enjoy spreading the love at times. There was never enough time to catch up sleep. It's summer so it's so hot and can't sleep past a certain time. I think if people still want some we'll make some but definitely don't do much advertizement until like late October early November. It definitely has been fun spending lots of time with the boyfriend. He's the greatest person in the world that I know. He is the only person who hasn't disappointed me. I'm not saying I will never, I don't have false hopes. I know there are many ups and down to come and many challenges. I mean if we truly do want to spend the rest of our lives together there is nothing else to expect, you know? I'm not realistic. I know the reality of life. Life has managed to knock into to me, in a not so easy and fun way but it's the best way I think I could have handled.

I'm still not doing well, work wise. I'm still teaching just private lesson so I barely have any income but I'm doing the best I can with what I get.

I'm slowly paying a credit card from many years ago. I just started making very small payments on a school loan. It makes me sad I can't pay more. I know it's meant to teach me something in life. And I suppose I've grown or learned to be a lot more patient. I know, that the wait for all of this, will be very well worth it.





Warning!!!!
On a more personal and I mean personal ... so don't continue if you're under 18 or  don't want to know about my very personal and not public life.




















If you're still here, if anybody is even reading this is more about my sexual part of life.











So, It's the beginning of August on Thursday. And as much as that is thrilling because I will have lessons again and because Danny starts school, it's also the beginning of Johnson's second year of his RCIA course. He's been going for over a year and he is almost done but as adults we discussed sex which was quite emotional. Well mainly for me, maybe because I'm a girl but I cried. Not because we had it but because we were discussing stopping. It's going to be the longest and hardest test our relationship will take, in my opinion well not because we don't love each other but this will be a sacrifice and I'm sure there will be moodiness and I don't know.

We tried this a bit for lent and it was a difficult 6+ weeks and this will be months over. August through like April Easter Sunday.... well actually it would deem irresponsible from my part that he has just been baptized,, confirmed and received his first communion for me to lure him into sin after he's been newly introduced into the church as a member. He's converting to Catholicism. He's doing all this for me but himself as well. We go to mass together every Sunday and I think we can make better members of society.

So, I just know know if the right thing is to not have sex at all until we're married since we already stopped. See and I suppose this is where the tribulations of the relationship. I know we can pull through, I mean it's just sex but really is it just sex? It's the closeness we feel with each other when we talk after. It's the intimacy we feel. We're just able to talk more openly and express more. I''m sure we can do that anyways but it's so much easier to feel closer when we're exposed and in each other's arms. I have never felt so close to somebody in life like him and he accepts me as I am, or at least that is what he shows. I couldn't ask God for a more perfect person in my life. I  suppose I will be writing more about my feelings and different things as we go through this process of celibacy or chastity .... I don't know which ... or what they consist of but they both mean "no sex" so yea. 

Love

Love

 

I mean serious look at us. Sure, I may seem a little biased. I know at first when people asked I would never really honestly say where we did meet. But as we progress more in this journey in life getting to know each other more and finding stuff about our selves and each other. I'm a bit more able to be honest. 

You see this writing I'm doing here? Well some consider that a form of blogging. I know I'm treating you stupid and I'm teasing. We met blogging. I actually remember  why I subscribed to his page. How many people can actually pin point how they first took interest even though it wasn't attraction interested. 

It was the same words but different picture. Who knew subscribing to someone would lead to chatting online, well don't get me wrong. I talked to many people but most just for talking, to meeting to a relationship... I wasn't really close to many but a couple and there was one person who I was semi interested in but my Cucumber_melonhead was the one who I ended up needing and who needed me. I think (and this is him telling me) that we chatted online because I posted a "Pulse" on XANGA  (which was where we met) which said I was bored. He saw me 'on' the chat and started talking me. We talked quite a bit. Never thought much of it, I wasn't quite interested in people much, until he gave me his number and he was posting stuff about having a crush. I am not a person who allows many people in. But, lucky him haha or lucky me, I let him in. Sometimes I'm still surprised.  Not, because I don't love him but people when I feel a little neglected or sad, it's just easier to push people out fast. It's been so easy not to let people into my life.

Sometimes, and this is my insecurity talking but I wonder if it's true. And I shouldn't question because he demonstrates it by driving 80 miles a week to see me.Spends time with the family he helps my son and I, he cooks... Maybe it's because I see how so many people are so thoughtful with their significant others. I'm being selfish. I don't want anything I have it all and more than enough. I guess we all complain and it's not right.

This selfless man fell in love with me. He loves my son. He does everything in power to be awesome. He helps me cook, we go to mass together every sunday. He's converting to Catholicism. What person does this? well a person who loves another person right? He's actually met all my family that's available by now. He's learning to speak spanish and he can make awesome enchiladas. There's nothing about him that can be a deal breaker well unless he cheats, or deceives me in a way in which I feel I can't trust him again.

I'm starting to sometimes feel a little jealous. I try not to let those emotions get the best of me. It makes me feel guilty people who know there are people who have many friends that are girls. Friends always come first but sometimes, you know....

I think I'm just being a little crazy. 

If he wasn't the right type of person  my son would have outed him out and my son absolutely loves him. So he's definitely doing awesome with us. I'm actually surprised he hasn't ran out with the craziness. I'm not "crazy" crazy but sometimes a little nutty!  Then again who isn't. I'm very aware and I think that sometimes is not good because i think too much before reacting and I don't say very much of what I feel. And if I do I feel guilt. Talk about bad but good in a sense.

I think I was every where than what I intended but oh well!

In 5 years...

I have asked myself many times the dreaded question, "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?"

Ewww... didn't it hurt to read it? Well it probably hurt more to write it. I really want to say something positive. Like, having a wonderful job (CEO of some company, haha I don't even believe that for a second myself), a wonderful wife, a couple kids, taking danny to his sport events while he's in middle school. I don't know...

Yea, that sound pretty boring but more than likely more plausible.

Then I start thinking of over 5 years ago. Maybe even before high school. I thought owning a music store and teaching lessons would be something that I would love but as I see the music and the arts diminish in society it just seems like such a farfetched dream. More like something to laugh about.

More realistically, 10 yrs ago I never saw myself as a single mom. I just dreamed, has illusions, nothing concrete. I guess then i figured that once I was finishing college everything would fix it self itself it didn't. Five years ago, I was truly hoping that by now I'd have a job.

It hasn't happened. I was hoping that by now I'd at least be closer to having part of my loans paid. I'd have a semi nice car and my son would be ok, with the things he needs. He has all basic necessities but as a parent something we want to give a little more. 

I pay that the next 5 years of my life are a lot more tolerable and happier than the last 10 years. Don't get me wrong, it's been ok but sometimes we want more.

A job can fix everything

As of now, I feel less pain thank God or luck or anybody/everybody. A molar the 2nd behind the canine on my bottom right hand side chipped for the first time 2 weeks after Danny was born. I naturally freaked out. I went to a dentist. They  said not to pull them out but to fix them was so ridiculous that well that was out of my hands.

A few years back, the same on my left hand side started doing the same thing. This time knowing what the dentist would say, I didn't go. I don't have much work. I make about 100 a month sometimes more on a lucky month for with that I can't afford much.

The right one most of it fell off a few weeks ago but of course have more of the root and I think it's pushing more on my gums that it hurts sometimes. Goodness does it suck not being able to afford even necessity stuff. And, for like 3 weeks now I had been suffering with the half crown I had left in the left one. it started hurting so bad, I couldn't eat. I did, though, and it sucked and it hurt and god it wouldn't go away. I didn't take pain medication, something ever helped so why... And Sunday I had a small sigh of relief when I moved it and it fell out. Of course the room that borders is still in there but it doesn't hurt as much. I guess it sucks. But, what can you do when there is nothing you can do. Sometimes I wonder how people but then I get depressed so I stop.

Obviously people have work and their jobs have insurance so that definitely helps. I, myself, can't even find typical work and if I do it probably don't cover jack shit so you can imagine what a freaking degree that I can't use because it's confiscated will do for me. NOTHING!!! Yup... I sometimes feel like a nothing because of everything I have accomplished since I finished at a private university. It just makes me feel like the poor it they're not above (even just a little) poverty level then they can't succeed. Back in the day it felt because we were in poverty level they gave us cuts and thank god for those few helps but look at me now.

I hate it that I'm 28, with a son, no steady job, no insurance of any kind, I'm losing some of my molars, I need to get s physical and get my self checked because sometimes all these symptoms I get are not normal.

I know I can always complain about how shitty life is and how family can talk smack because I have a degree and doing jack shit but ultimately I'm still alive, my son is content and he has what he needs what else can I ask for. so my teeth are falling and I can't eat well and I chew slowly, so I don't get infections. We all go through that, right? Right?!! RIGHT?!?!?!?!

One day, I'll have enough to be okay, at least that's what I pray for. A small break. A job so I can get what I need and not have to somehow find money when clothes are rip. I need to work in order for this to happen. I need a job to even start thinking about getting married. You can't do that leap until you're okay with a budget. And most importantly I need all my loans and paid off so I  can go back to school and get something that will help me get a job. Then and only then will my teeth be okay, will my health be okay, will my son have an opportunity for a future in  college, and I will have the opportunity for happiness to contribute even more as I should and not seem like a needy person like the whole worlds sees us. I'm not. All I want is a job. Everything else can be easily fixed by that. I'm serious!

Sunday Park

Johnson and I decide to take Danny to the park after I had done some prepping for the tamales I was going to make. And, before it was time to go to church where my mom and grandma had been the whole weekend. It was humid, semi hot and the sky was threatening it was going rain but it was the first time danny had asked to go to the park. I had been asking him to go for quite some time. It worries me when he doesn't want to leave the room but I know it's so darn lonely in Apple Valley.

Anyways, So we went to the park we kicked a ball around because the was the whole motive of heading to the park for Danny. We have a lot of space here as well but we have dirt and who doesn't like the green fresh look of a park. We had fun and I even fell flat on my back ... hilarious times. We enjoyed kicking the ball, talk about a simple way to feel like a child again. Well, Danny got tired of kicking the ball and so decided to take the ball to the trunk which was fine and he was being responsible for the ball to be put away.

They go play in the swings, in the monkey bars... you know two boys just monkeying around. The way ilove to watch them. I enjoy them.

I'm wearing my hair up in one messed up bun, no make-up but I was wearing shades so it didn't matter. I was just silently watching my boys and occasionally seeing my phone: facebook, instagram. Then this black man walks by on his phone. And I thought nothing of it. The city has a lot of white and black descendants and everybody is friendly most of the time, I'm Mexican so our radar is sharp when you know people are being a little racist because it happens. Well not that great of one since people get pretty obvious.

He's on his phone and I'm on the bench table, facing the park and my back to the parking lot.while he's walking to the left  Then he asks, "You alone?" And of course I say "no" ... I say "I'm here with my son and my boyfriend." He tend to stop asking questions after that, well  usually right? I don't know myself but I'm assuming. He walks walk back to my right hand side. Then he looks at me and he says, "That's your boy?" And I say "Yes, he's my boy." "And that's you boyfriend?" "Yes" "If he his?" And I say, "No, it's from a relationship gone wrong." and he walks to the left again. Still he seems on his phone, which is weird because I don't think he was ever talking, or who the heck knows.

Then he walks again to the right in a much slower pace and looking right at me, licking his lips. I swear I hadn't felt this violated in many years since I was like 13 and so insecure and use to hear so much "cat calling." It felt like he was undressing me with his eyes and it felt truly uncomfortable. He walks back to his car which so happens to have been this gold colored mini van. And he gets in and starts to drive in the parking lot to the exit. I felt so relieved to see him leave. A big, huge, sigh of relieve was exhaling from my body when I see him put his right hand turn when I see his van back up again. All I should think was "Shit, I was almost in the clear." I swear I hadn't felt this uncomfortable in a while. Now, I know how hot girls feel 24/7 and I'm happy I'm not one of them. I wouldn't be able to handle the pressure, the looks, and much less the attention.

I heard him get out of his car. Then I heard him pass right behind me but I wasn't going to turn. I figured that if I didn't turn he wouldn't talk to me and I can just concentrate on looking at Johnson and Danny play in the pay ground. I hear him walking pass again behind. And he taps me in the shoulder and says, "This is for you."
"Ok, thank you." He goes. And I open this little piece of paper.

"Carry
323-***-****
call me :)~ "

And I signal Johnson 5, as in it was 5 more minutes but he thought it was 5pm. Which is was okay with me.They got ready to leave.

As much as it was flattered to receive a number from a complete stranger I leave much more happier having a man in my world that loves me, respects me, and I know what he likes and he knows what I like. I thought about the potentials of ever having to think about dating another person and it's not something that I would ever want to do voluntarily. Of course, I'm not going to call his man, ever. I guess he can dream right. haha

Summer is ending...

Goodness gracious it's been forever since I've blogged here. Since xanga almost seems off limits I suppose I am back to blogging to this wonderful site. Not being so sarcastic, but since I'm not use to this it's going to take a while. I guess I'm still a little disappointing that even if xanga does make the fundraiser that it will cost to blog.

Anyways, the reason why I'm actually starting to blog since I hadn't really been doing that in a long while. I should, it's always so helpful. =D

So today, just seems like summer is coming to an end and running so quickly. I signed up Danny for Summer school and it so happened that it happened to have started 2 weeks before he starts regular school. It's July 22 and he ends on August 2nd. Now, regular school starts on August 7th. Not to mention that that will mean endless homework, the only reason I looked forward to finishing school but children defiinitely change all of that. Sometimes helping with homework sucks but the truth is that as much as it is hard for me I can't imagine how hard it  is for my son when he's actually struggling, you know? Cest la vie and it must continue.

I should start teaching lessons soon enough. I start once the school year starts as well. Well that school starts on August 8 but since it starts on a thursday I probably will not start lessons until the next week. The date is still not known. I'm always excited to meet new students and help them expand their mind which leads me to needing to practice more. I'm so happy I get to work and teach kids. It's a truly life experience, now I wished my son sometimes listened to me like my students did. But, I suppose that's every teacher's issue. The money here isn't that great and we usually invest more which hurts the pocket expecially because it feels like I sometimes don't give enough to my son but then again if I didn't teach private music lesson then there wouldn't be any money at all. Life is hard at times, but when I see the people in it, it doesn't feel so bad after all.

I'm still hoping that I'm going to find a job soon.It's so hard living where I'm living and not being able to work without commuting. I commute to teaching lessons and gas for like is like $25 round trip so I know I at least have to teach 2 students to be able to afford the drive which sucks having to depend on that to keep doing what I love. The more I avoid LA and the city themore it seems like I'm going to be pulled out there almost but not against my will. It's so far but it's the only place where there seems to be jobs and where there is at least one person I want there, Johnson. I don't know but life just pulls me closer that way and to him. I love that man, and he does so much for us it would be awesome to be able to help him out like he has tried to help myself and my son and a job would be the best first step in doing done.

More to come.