help a friend

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my mind is not helping

Sadly, at this moment I am not happy at all. I don't know what it is but it hit me than it has in a long time... I want it all to be over... I know I'm being selfish but I see my son and I want to cry.... it makes me feel bad for him... I just wish he had more. At this point, I feel I don't deserve to be alive and everything would be much better if I wasn't. I've lost passion in life again in years and it's over... the only image that gives me comfort is the thought of blood gushing out as the light fades (I know a bit romantic right?) I should be happy and I should be optimistic. I should show people that I can do it... I should but I don't care. I remember when I went to therapy because i had my issues and and many had to do with my parents (hey, which I'm still here)  - Why does the Mocking bird sing? Can you tell me... I want to talk to people and at the same time I don't... I feel like I waste their time. Nobody understands... all they can do if give me pity and what it that worth. The only that gives me some sort of fulfillment is when I get to leave my house alone... other than that I feel trapped... I feel caged... I feel I don't have any freedom or privacy. I feel as though I'm already dead ... but just alive in body. In fact the only thing that makes me feel ok was if I was in a dark room by my self... I just want to sleep... I want to close my eyes and never awake... it would sure beat feeling worth nothing anyways... sometimes I don't even feel like a person ... I just feel an object manageable to alls pleasing... I feel dead inside right now... it's not working- crying- tears just overflow and i'm not really crying. I just want to feel something... but I feel nothing... I can't still pretend while chatting with people but my smile is gone... When I smile is when I'm actually happy. I've been noticing this for a while, that it's fading more and more...... and nothing does it to recover...the thought of travelling is thrilling then I think. The saddest thing is feeling nothing is worth it anymore. My emptiness keep accumulating. It's no need to release but it's all there... I get it. I don't want or need anyone (or I don't know) I don't have them if it makes sense... I have no friends. I feel lost. I feel as though I have a fam but we're all so distant. I don't feel close to people.... I try making plans, they never work out. I just need to spend time with people and they never have the time of day and then I reconfirm that in fact being alone is the better route. give me drink and let me chase with some sleeping pills... I'm sorry I didn't mean that... I just want to see blood.... so many times I just fantasize of a knife deeply raping my body (just like I fantasied ending it in high school)... a more deserving punishment. I Always hear the whole you'll go to hell... well you know what all I want is peace....fuck going to hell... Can it get any worse... I'm sure it can... should it? I don't know, I don't care... I don't know why I always feel like this and it goes and comes back. It's not fair! I want it to go away and it keeps following me, my a fucking shadow... it wont stop. The only place I hide is in my own darkness and the dark just accumulates. I sometimes just want to feel a little of happiness... and happiness never last.... it's superficial it last as long I talk to people. After that it's gone. Don't get me wrong I don't depend on people for happiness... there are other things that sometimes happen. I should love me... I do... I love me enough to want to end it. I think I'm pretty sometimes... well I either hate me or like the way I see... sometime I feel maybe being blind I would be happier. I wouldn't judge myself (even though I would miss my colors- oh well I only wear black and love red) and then I would have to accept people but then I think... that I would be more trapped and then they would keep me jailed even more... almost impossible. Sometimes (and I mean sometimes) I want to meet someone who will accept me... I don't know at times whether I'll be happy but it doesn't matter. I'm sure it couldn't get any worse. And if it did then oh well... I went out looking for it. Yea, why blame someone else if it's all my doing... the negativity, the foreshadowing... 12:34... suddenly people want to see me again same .... I don't know i'm not much in the mood currently... dating doesn't seem appealing... I don't want to... I don't want to meet someone new... some I don't wanna get to know... really in fact all I need is a friend...  *sigh* every time I'm just disappointed... in reality fuck taking the fuck... I don't care. If it ever happens fine, a surprise I wont... guys don't want friendship usually there is always a special interest. Fuck, if you wanna fuck me just let me know... it sure beats "beating around the bush" <-- haha but seriously... Use you pick up lines... the easiest way... You thought I was going to tell you, i'm not and I know it... it's worked in the past... Have I been hurt... I guess... can I be more hurt now... can't feel worse than now... if i was on my death bed, I'd be dead... with the loss of hope and nothing to be happy about who wants to keep going through pain anyways... oh well... it doesn't matter...

trantrum

I feel so childish throwing this tantrum... I just wanna scream... I can't stop crying... and it's not because I'm sad. It's more I am very disapointed for bringing my hopes ups. I just needed an out and I thought I was finally going to get it. But, apparently not... Currently, I'm very short... I don't even feel like talking eating... everything just leads to more crying... hence my tantrum... I wanna scream for not getting my way. It's like the most I keep the intensity accumulating inside me the most I get a headache the more... it hurts inside... physically. It feels as thought somethings wants to jump out of me... I am so mad at me. I'm stupid and dumb for even thinking it was a possibility. AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ok that was a good cyber scream. I'm still not happy currently... I need my escape and I don't ever see it coming. It being last minute was the only way it felt it was going to happen. the only way I would be able to leave without telling anyone. The only way to escape. Why do I feel so stressed, so trapped... I'm crying like a baby and it doesn't make sense. Ok I feel a lil better now...

interesting day...

Oh shit right now I seriously feel trapped... I *kind of* like it but I'm so stressed. It feels like I have no where to go... When I was talking earlier the things that were said were too much... I had an idea but I still had no idea... I can't describe going back and forth. I felt blank. What do I do? it's just running is no option but should I even feel like I should run. Or why am I so scared... I didn't know I was so scared of this... and this has been my fear all along, I guess... and it's still true... geez! I can't believe the words that were said... and relocation.... I almost hyperventilated with mixture of feelings...

Been away for a little

So I've been very entertained in my other blog site. www.xanga.com/pinktiger335... in the times I haven't spend here yeah I've been over there. And frankly, I really like this one better but  I don't know anything about readers or how to get readers or if I have readers.. Right now, this one feels more personal... the other one I still write a lot but I feel like sometimes I am watched (maybe I'm paranoid)... not that it matters because then what would be the reason to have a public blog... but I can't write everything just in case... I don't find anything and I like sharing since I know I am not the only one that goes through ish...

Right now this feels like a nice escape... There are somethings I can't right on the other because it pertains to some of my readers and talking about them there... I like readers... I love them especially if they leave feedback...

Ok, as I mentioned in the first paragraph I've been on xanga... and the weird thing is that since I've been more active I've been promoting my site for more readers and sure I've manage to get many more and many  footprints on my page where before I was lucky for a few in a month... I love it! Ok, but even that comes with consequences of being noticed... I guess the best part is that people feel I am real, which I am.... I don't write lie about me anywhere on my pages... those represent me and who I am, simple. So back to consequences, I get hit on every once in a while. I guess I'm a lil photogetic sometimes, rarely but yea... I've had 3 in the last month... A Greek, who wanted me to go over and be would take me to concerts... and who knows what... I don't know how people get so ahead of themselves.. I don't like misleading  people or giving them hope for something that will never occur...  The second a real nice down to earth cowboy, by far the sweetest and most sincere.... he just reads my blogs and that's it.... nice person, good  heart! And the third has been the most tiring, annoying, persistent... He's Turkish and I am sure he's nice and whatnot but no thank you. If his picture is really him, he's handsome. He's the weird thing... he right away said he loves me ( who does that- creepy? mail order bride?), he wanted to marry me and that I should go visit him... so to turn him down I told him I didn't have money... and he said that that's why he worked and he had money... so he would send me a plane ticket (who does that- especially aq stranger?) so I told him I had a son and couldn't and he said to take him too... wow!!! No thank you! There is so much chaos in the world I don't trust anybody... especially not strangers... I hardly trust people I know or people they know... I'm an un-trusting  trusting person...

Ok,so some reason I attract Turkish people, not that they're not great people but they're too old fashion... too... obviously they live on the other side of the world... they're idea of the best time... is full housewife, who cleans and does laundry, and would give them a massage just because they're tired.... or they wouldn't gelp around because it's not a male's duty... not that I have anything against anything but I'm sorry I can't stay at home the whole time... I like to make my money... I like to do things... and they're super super jealous people... Yea, How do I know this? Simple... simple convos... this guy thought I found it so great for him to tell me that if I went over I would get to do everything for him... WHAAAAAT!?!?!?!!!!!! looking forward to it... I don't think so... Look I don't mind doing it all but it's a shared responsibility... I know what it takes to take care of a family... I've done it to my parents and my sibs... being the eldest, my responsibility... bills- ok I know how to do them all, managing money... hell yea... budgeting you bet ya... I'll tell you you what I'll even save you money... I've manage to learn how to live poor to know how to know how to spend... but don't get me wrong... I know how to throw money away too but saved gives up more pleasure.

Anyways... back to Turkish people... when I was back working in McDonalds... oh so many years ago... this guy comes up to me and ask if I was from a turkey descent and I, of course, said no since both my parents are from Mexico... so he said that I looked exactly like a person he knew from his town. Someone he thought was beautiful... I just took the compliment and sadly no I'm not an exotic foreigner. Then last summer I was in Denver, Co and there was this guy from Turkey and wow there was quite a language barrier... but he he tried a lot... and I mean a lot... kind of uncomfortable at times... he caught me one of those days when I was just alone... and started talking to me... the only thing he was really able to get out was"You Beautiful" so the rest of the days he kept looking for... I kind of dodge him... felt bad but I would only see him once all our activities were over and I was tired... he wanted to buy me a drink but I had had a few already but in hindsight I should have said ok... but whatev... those all have been interesting encounters...

I don't  even know why I wrote about it but I guess it felt nice to write something a lil different.

Tony texted me yesterday... it was nice to talk to him for a while, it had been a while... Sadly, since I'm out of reach in Facebook, he is the only friend who does talk to me whether I am on or not... and he knows how big of an addict I was, he was going to send me link and asked to log on... hahaha I had to say no... I've been good... which was how we sort of started talking over summer(my addictions to internet and mainly facebook). Oh and I completely forgot to tell him about this Turkish guy... lol he should got a kick out of the one over Summer... hahaha! The guy's nickname was "turkish" and I heard about it for the longest... a new turkish would have just been another good laugh and reminder of the Summer one... hahaha! The great thing about this guy though is that we can still have our good laughs...

OK,, enough rambling about nothing and going every where about nothing ... :)

Who can love someone who hasn't figured them self yet?

I've been thinking a little more of the last blog or entry that I wrote, whatever you may want to call it, but it's not about race. The only real reason why I wrote about not wanting to date a hispanic male was primarily because I already know their customs... likes and dislikes and the fact that it's mostly their way instead of ours, it's who they are and especially Mexican men... And I am not saying *all* because there are exceptions to the rule everywhere. And I am not closing my door to anybody all I was saying is that I am actually open minded and more now than I use to be. And I know I will never get exactly what I want but I don't think I'm too picky although I am.And I don't want to get  someone exactly how I want them I want them to be who they are and we accept each other for who we are.~SIMPLE~ And even though we all supposedly have little thoughts of the way we want someone to look like, we know that's not going to happen. But, they're more guidelines... and if you happen to get someone with those qualities more power to you...

My Criteria although more guidelines than requirements

1. I love tall men.... I am 5'5" and 3/8ths (or something like that) so any person who is tall so I can wear 3-4 inch heals is perfect. A man 5'10"+ but I definitely prefer the plus.

2. I like that he knows his limits. He knows where he can be crafty, sarcastic, funny or when to be serious. Playful or not. There at times for everything... And we must know when the time is adequate.

3. Someone who is proud of what he does. I like to hear about their job, workers, bosses... People they interact with. A person who enjoys having a conversation about nothing but is open enough to allow me to be apart of their day. What type of a job doesn't matter as long as he is happy where he is going with what he is doing...

4. Their physique- I don't care if they are slim to a lil more to love... but you know even  throughout their  body- proportioned. I am not thin... I am a curvy girl...but I don't see it in a bad way. I think I am proportioned ok...

5. Smart is a must. I love being challenged and I love being wrong but only if I am wrong. I like to be proved wrong so I can fight it to be proved right. I like a mental challenge. It's my excitement.

6. Race doesn't matter, Skin tone doesn't matter, Hair (color, or texture) doesn't matter, Eye color... I'm a sucker for green but it doesn't matter, Big feet- big hands... don't matter... size wont matter....

7. Personality- yea I need a stronger one. I've always been a lil shy so someone to bring out my wild side... or someone to tame the small wild side I do have. Open minded willing to have fun or willing to be a little different at times. Flexible.

I guess in general we all have our likes and dislikes... It's so weird because when I was little I use to long to have a boyfriend and even then i had my requirements but my first fit them in a different way. But, to be honest now that I think of it... he fit my 7 generalities of what I look for in a man. And, he didn't work for me. And, not that I wonder with him specifically because I know he is happy now which makes me happy... and he's way in the past. What I actually wonder is if I do something wrong or if I am not the right person for anybody. I guess we all have our doubts you know. It's not like I am asked out much... I would say rarely ever to none is accurate. I guess it's something that I have always wondered. I know when I was young i had so many insecurities and sure there are reason's why I can now but not as much as I use to when I was little.

I had my closest friend in the world ask me... "Do you look at yourself in the mirror?" And well of course who doesn't... and she says..."what's wrong with you, you're beautiful. Stop putting yourself down"  And I thank her for making me feel good. There are time when I do look at my self and feel confidant and I take a pic... to keep it... lol then other times I take the pic and it doesn't come out the way I see it... and I look again and I don't see my self. That's when I doubt me and agree with all those who would never even look at me. I wonder why the mirror doesn't show what I see... you know. And then I come to a realization that the way I am looking at myself at that moment is reality and that's how other's see me... And that where it ends because at that point I realize that I don't want someone if I can't look at myself and feel beautiful anymore. How can someone love someone who hasn't figured out how to love themselves? Not to mention their insecurities and doubts added to the bunch....

Who can love someone who hasn't figured them self yet?

why I'm not considering you right now...

Lately, it has come to my  mind that I would rather date outside of the hispanic race. I am Mexican-American (well mainly Mexican because both my parents were born in Mexico and well I was born in the United states)... not that I have anything against them, I don't but it seems as though regardless if they're not stereotypical ; I just don't think I can handle their drama. And that's not to say that other races don't have the same issues but we're all different especially how we're brought up.

I don't know if lately I've been a little bias but it feels as though I am more willing to accept somebody else doing something than a hispanic male at this point. I have always attracted more hispanics and blacks in general but never dated a black guy although dated a guy who only dates black girls in general, he has a lot a black male friends. 

It's not about being treated right or a sweet guy but sometimes there are things about a person that just turns me off... and lately it feels like anything a Hispanic guy does or say.... makes me turn the other way. I don't know why yet.

Ok, so there is this guy and I'm going to call him X... He's a real nice guy, gives me all these compliments... okay so he's a little sweet. He works, that's fine. He's not a big looker but whatev that doesn't matter... Something does spark off when I remember a long time ago he said something about getting really angry at his ex... for something like an abortion. Okay, understandable... I am pro-life myself but the anger spell... ok, so we're not talking as in talking but I know he's been like a lil interested in me for months...  Many times we chat on he has talked about drinking and how it doesn't effect, well we all know that no matter what alcohol causes secondary effects no matter what. Okay, so we all like to drink a lil sometimes and not only Hispanics do it obviously many people can have drinking problems. He has talked about drugs... one time he did meth while he was working because he would work 12 hr shifts and wouldn't sleep... he said something about a joint from last night. I don't know but that just doesn't seem appealing... A person who likes to drink a lot and does drugs on occasion... that wont go very well when you're older. Habits are  tough to break. My mom has issues with the fact my dad drinks and they've been together for 26 years since they were 22.And my dad is not an alcoholic... he never comes home drunk or is tipping over that way. She just gets mad because it's a bad habit. I guess I see somebody and analyze the possible outcome of the future, kind of like in the movies, where you see yourself dirt poor with a million babies and unhappy, lol I know drastic right?

I know not all people are like this but it seems like either those types of people want  somebody like me and want to try or maybe I'm looking in wrong places... Actually I'm not really looking yet. And most are just high school graduates and there is nothing wrong with that... at least they finished high school. But, in reality I would like someone who is willing to bring more to the table. Someone with at least a Bachelor's like me. Or at least a little extra education. It's not that having a high school degree isn't enough or they're not worthy but sometimes they have this inep perception of life. I mean there are people I would make exceptions for trust me but when you go to college you change your views on life... you're a more rounded person in general. And you're not literally stuck in this bubble. Well I want to know they can handle challenging me mentally so we can actually talk about politics, religions, issues around the world. I would love the whole image of sitting in the table in the morning with coffee and reading the newspaper or even watching the news before he goes to work and I go to work and take my son or more to school. I don't know... I guess I am dreaming.

What I have noticed about a  few hispanics though is a draw back... their mentality and their ego feel challenge therefore coming out with this alter ego bigger than their head trying to take over the world which we all know some hispanic girls wouldn't take being their own personal slaves... lol. (Some have bigger egos after College, and some learn control)

Anyways, so that's why I had been thinking about the possibility of dating others. I mentioned this to my brother last night. And he was like, "that's all on you" and I looked at him like if his answer was against what I was trying to tell him and he responds "No, I think you should do it, Hispanic guys are dicks" lol

I guess, once everything is  more settling in my life I will have the opportunity to meet more people in work environment. But, I have recently have had a more curiosity towards the Asian persuasion lol. Some are really cute, smart but have different insecurities. I don't know this has just been in my mind and lost total interest in hispanic... nothing against you personally. I mean this goes towards everybody. I don't need this guy who is super demanding... I know I can multi-task and get everything that needs to be done, hey a plus that I know how to cook and love learning new dishes and different types of food. Completely open... and well and other things I am not about to mention right now. But, Anyways I know we don't always get what we want or need in life but there are people who just fit but we don't know it because they don't mention. Of course that would defeat the purpose of actually getting to know a person. A complete party person eventually wants to even settle down when they r4ealize they're getting older and still don't have a companion but not all of them. I haven't been one to be in many scenes but someday... who knows!