A new experience

Today, was a new experience well kind of. Today we were treated by our boss to a massage, a much need foot and body massage.

It was very nice of him to treat 3 of us to it. It must mean he truly appreciates us as employees.

Well I didn't want a foot massage because of my past and I'm always so scared of anyone going near my feet. The surprise itself, filled me with so much anxiety. It was so stressful and overwhelming, almost how much it felt to speak in the public back in the day. 

It truly felt like a small violation at first but it was relaxing. I really needed it but the whole time they were touching my feet i was crying, I couldn't help it. The guy that was going give me the massage started on me late and when he got me it felt like he complained which automatically made me feel tense. The vibe at first wasn't good and I wasn't enjoying it. I kept still and wasn't moving bur my eyes were opened. I was tense and relaxed all at once. I was trying to go to another place but it wasn't working, and as much as the music was so relaxing it started getting very depressing. I'm an emotional person so I'm affected deeply by music.

While I was trying to my other place, all I kept thinking about was the last time y mom gave me a massage and how much I missed her. It was a little hard. I couldn't believe how depressed I suddenly felt. My mom was the only that had given me a massage.  It was so differently, so invasive.

Don't get me wrong ended up loving it because I really needed a massage my babe haven't been wanting to. I had so much stressed accumulated from the last couple years. It so sad how fast time flies. I hate the thought of it. There's no time for anything and time.is just slipping through our fingers.

Well, just needed this off my chest. *sigh of relief*

A few more days in Vegas, Rio. .. the gift show is a little slow right now.  We truly hope it picks up. :)

getting a little edge off my chest

Damn, it's 2015 and I haven't blogged here for years, I don't know what to say.... 

My mom passed away out on May 2014... It fucking sucks!! I'm terribly sad all the time I can't stop. 

I've been working for a company for over a year now: Kayso International Inc. 
I really enjoy it there, we're constantly busy and we have started traveling a bit to sell our masks. 

Since my mom has been gone I feel like us the sibblings have gotten cloer but we're unsure of my dad. People always ask us how he's doing and I honestly don't know what to do. When I talk to him over th phone he always feels scolded but I feel like he's making himself as a victim in all this. I guess I'm a little recentful towards him in the way he treated my mom the last few years and how she felt alone. I haven't told anyone but it was so hard. It's the first time I have actually admitted to this. I'm actually a bit upset he's not being responsible and I hate being the parent for him. 

I really feel bad. I'm struggling with my life and here I am sorrying about my dad. it dosn't make sense to me. 

There are so many thought going through my had lately and I'm tired of just hiding bhind my other thoughts. I just feel like there is so much on my shoulders. I feel like I don't get enough fresh air. I feel insane sometimes... I feel like I want to do so many things and then I feel like I don't want to do anything at all.

I really wanted to talk more about my mom it just makes me feels better because it's been 8 months I feel so alone without her. I feel like there is no family. My aunts (who? ) ... My grandma split a little under a month after we burried my mom. I am going to admit I'm upset at many people in my family... no one is there, maybe they're upset too, maybe I'm being selfish. I'm the one who is having to reach out and honest I don't want to, I want them to come to me... I'm tired of being the one who reaches out. I really am... I don't know but I feel out of the loop. 

I think I am feeling better at the moment. I needed this to get out. I needed to feel better I needed to write without thinking.  I love writing to feel better. 

My mom passed away

It's so weird how life is just twisted in so many ways (I know so my debt *rolls eyes*). The most unexpected things in life happen and sometimes they suck ... (vague, yeah whatever)

Since my last post in April, many things have happened but we will start from the one that affects me the most. And that starts with well I suppose shortly after we found out my mom was really sick. We knew she had a small stomach ache but we never would have imagined the results. My mom was one of the most health concerned person, we knew she struggled with weight but she always cared about it. So it was a real shocker to us all.

Apparently, she has started having a small stomach ache right before my dad went to go help my uncle out in Minnesota. My  mom went with him to be supportive and well the family out there wanted her to go because she was a Mexican Masseuse. That one is a tough one to explain. You don't exactly know what's wrong but you know how to fix the person one their stress. It's massage, You don't know the terminology but it does the job. Granted you are tried after the massage but the satisfaction is rewarding, ok hope that explains that. Anyways, so my mom went on living like the pain was going to go away and as much as we told her to go get checked she felt that her natural remedies were going to help her but honestly I don't blame her if I was ever that sick I'm sure I would want to postpone going to find out that I would die in so much pain. When she was finally able to afford the medical testing they told her she has tumors in her liver which explained why her stomach hurt so they wanted to do a biopsy to see what was happening. I knew the doctor knew what was happening you could see it in his face when he told her about the tumors. When we left my mom asked if I felt the doctor was being honest. And, I told her the truth, I knew she was a person of strong character and her stomach was swollen a bit already. I told her I felt that she had cancer and he didn't want to say it. It was a small while until she was able to afford the biopsy but she got it done. She became jaundice and started to notice at her results appointment which was when we found out for sure she has cancer. It was May 14, 2014. We were still shocked ... and of course devastated.  One o thing that upset me so much was that it felt like the doctor was giving her hope and I know it's a good thing but it was just a stab in the heart at  the same time even though I didn't quite know what was happening. He said that she has Colon cancer with a metastic (?) liver.... So it was spreading and quick... she was stage 4 already.The doctor asked me to stay in the room with him for a bit as my parents went to talk to the assistant. In the room he told me I had to braise myself and be strong because my mom wasn't going to make it. We needed to make her as comfortable as possible in the months to come because it was going to be tough for all. I ask him for a letter for my aunt from mexico to come (My mom's sister). I even asked for her records so that I could see if she could get chemo or radiation. There I was trying to be strong. It was so hard. When I helped my mom back to the outside of the building as my dad got the car, I was trying to be positive but I couldn't help but to think that I wasn't going to have her in our life soon enough was hard. It was so painful to think about.  I had taken a little time from work to go with my parents to the doctor, but after the news I couldn't go to work again. I couldn't relax or compose my self,  I didn't know what to do and I was worried.  My mind was going crazy with ideas. It was going devastate the family.We had been avoiding telling my sister all of our concerns with my getting more ill because she was expecting but this time I knew that if we didn't tell her she was going to hate us or something. The first thing I did was call off work and call her... I told her we needed to talk and she asked about what so of course I told her about my and she worried. She said she would drive towards LA while I drove Inland so we could meet half way.... Bad idea... I knew it so I declined her offer. She said she was going to leave work immediately and she went home so I told her to just wait for me. I called Johnson and I think he got off work and I picked up Danny from school I just needed them.

When I got there I was panicking but still trying to play it ok, I didn't know how I was going to tell her the news and still needed. I don't remember much about who was all there, just that she was my focus. I didn't know how she was going to take it but I was very worried because was pregnant. I know my mom didn't want her to know to protect her but she needed to know, it was her right to know too, we were all being affected. When I told my sister, she reacted in a way I  was worried about specailly if she would have driven to see me. She fell to the floor in shock literally and kept saying that she was sick to her stomach... She threw up from the news. Erick showed up and she said that she wanted to go see mom and I told her that she should be getting home. I suggested she wait a little and go, They left almost immediately. I'm glad mom wasn't alone that day. She needed someone there like I was with her earlier on.

May 23, 2014 I drove up to Apple Valley like I did every weekend but this time I went up on friday. I was able to convince my mom to finally go to the hospital since the appointment we has been waiting for was hurrying up. (BTW the appointment didn't come until a month and a half after she passed away) The next morning, I helped her to the restroom and I helped her change into clothes. She was barely able to walk anymore and it was so hard seeing her like this but she knew she was always able to count on me, like she always said I was her right hand. And I always tried to support her in every way that I could. I'm not going to say that we never had disagreements or that we were perfect because we were not even close but we did become pretty close with the years. We literally became like best friends.

On the 24th, When I helped her get ready and helped her get back in bed, she told me she was ready to go to the hospital. I was happy to hear her say that to me. It was a relief and hard thing to hear. When she said let's go I told her no. I wasn't going to have her sit down and endure waiting for the doctor to call her in, I told her I was going to call the ambulance to take her and that's what I did. I'm so happy that she agreed and wasn't stubborn about that. It was my parents 28th wedding anniversary on that day. 28 years married ...many rocky roads but they were finally reconciling some of their differences I guess it happened at the end so there was a lot of repenting.

There different doctor gave us different time frames. The doctor that gave us the diagnoses gave 5-8 months... The doctors in the hospital were not that hopeful. She wasn't ready to go there was so many thing she wanted to do and so many dreams she wanted to accomplish. My mom was goal oriented and she left too early, she was loved so much by so many people. To this day it's still a shock she has passed. It happened so fast the world she knew never caught on.

I didn't work Monday because it was a holiday but in reality I asked for the day off because I wanted to be with her. I did have to return to work on Tuesday and The hospital called me because they wanted to set her up with hospice they needed to set it up. My mom always trusted that I would always do the best for her. I always had her best interest. She always had trust in me and it would definitely be something that I would have never betrayed. The hospice people wanted me to go up Tuesday but I couldn't so I set it up for Wednesday and I made sure most of us were there: My dad, my sister, my bro Orland and his girlfriend Melissa. We all got to see her. It worked out we got together with hospice and made the arrangements, My mom was going to finally come home the next day Thursday. I was so scared but I was happy she was going to be home. My sis and I were going to find a way to alternate and make this work. I was scared my mom was going to want to go home. She hated hospitals but at that point she just felt safer it made me sad they didn't let her stay there. We were there with her including my grandma, and her aunt Socorrito and goddaughter cristal. We all prayed with her and I fed her cherry Popsicle. My mom was trying to eat because she wanted to get better. She was talking so much.

Ok backtrack a little...
Earlier that day when I was at work her comadre Mercedes called me and asked me to call my dad. My mom really needed to see him, I did and he head over. Later on the nurse called me and said that my mom was really asking for her sister from mexico and she was wondering what she had to do to make it happen. I told her that that had been done and that she was on her way. The nurse was happy to hear. (My aunt got her permit to come see my mom the day she passed away, it was too late)

Ok back,
After we all hung out with my mom the nurse kicked everybody out but I had asked her for permission to stay with her a bit longer, I am so grateful she did allow me that. I was with my mom until 10pmish at that point I go and tell my mom I was leaving and she asks me "Porque?" in such a sad voice.... And I tell that I have to get up early for work and she said Ok... So I tell her, "I love you" like I always do and she said, "me too... " just as she always did... I left the room and I couldn't stop crying ... the nurse gave me such a big hug. It made me feel better. I drove home. It was like 12:30am when I was getting in bed. I fell asleep and stomach woke me up hurting at like 6:20 but I tried to sleep it through but still got up and went to the rest room and took my phone. my alarm went off at 6:45 and I turn it off... I see I have a missed call from the hospital from 1 am-ish I panic and hear the message but it just says to call back. And at the moment my dad calls me and give me the worst news in the world My mom had passed away. I couldn't breath, she was suppose to go home that day. In fact the day before she kept saying she was going to go home and we were assuring her we were taking her home. And she would look at me with a fixed upset stare and say, "Reyna, pero ya!" which means "NOW!" She knew that I was the one who got things done around anywhere. I was working on it but not fast enough. At the end, she felt like she was actually telling us that she was going to home but not our home but home with God.

I called my bro's ... it was so hard to break the news. They each had their hard time at work but I told them if they could to stay put so they don't overreact. I drove straight to my sister's to give her the news... she took this one much better as I reacted to this news like she reacted to the cancer news... I was strong and it helped me out. I headed to be with my dad in the hospital, he was alone with her body and in fact he discovered her. He was headed to work when the nursed called him at 6:20 asking him to go in that my mom was having some difficulties and luckily he was basically about to pass the hospital. he headed right over and when he went in she was no longer. She has passed. He informed and they told him that they had just checked on her and she hadn't been and it must have happened right before he went in.

When I got there it was just my dad and myself with her body. We were just there with her. We didn't want her to be alone but I left so bad and guilty I didn't spend the night like I originally wanted. I was selfish and I wanted to work. My dad and I were just sitting and talking there. It was hard. I was talking to my dad and pouring myself he told me to look at my mom. Sometimes it was hard, I was looking at her from afar but I wasn't really paying attention. He body was cold, I was afraid I was still going to see the pain in her face. I went to her and I saw her... I'm never going to forget her face. I saw her face so peaceful. I swear it looked like she has a small smile, like she was happy, like she was having a happy dream and she was just sleeping. It was a day I don't think I will forget. It was amazing, it was a sign from God, like she was okay. It made me feel a little better. It was like my silver lining...

I was the last one my mom got to see the night before and I am fortunate to have been there for a little longer. I'm happy I was the last person who was with her before she passed. My mom was amazing and this is so painful to write but there are so many things I have to get out. The sad part is that I couldn't go into more detail. My brain hurts. It's about to be 8 months and it hurts so much, it's insane. So many memories. So many crazy stories.

I hadn't blogged in forever. I had kept everything bottled in and no one has cared enough to ask. I felt it was time I just let a little on me on the pages. I needed this and my mom needed this. There is so much to write and not enough time. But, I'm glad I was able to... I know no one will likely read this and it's fine but it's mainly written for me. I know, I know it's tl;dr it always is with me. And that fine...


Short version. My mom passed away from cancer from the colon and it spread to her liver which spread everywhere... she died from an infection caused because the liver wasn't functioning and her liver eventually shut down. Her cancer came fast and it hit hard. She suffered but I hope not a lot. I feel like God made her not go through too much agony. She was a good person.

She took her first breath March 12, 1962 and her last breath May 29, 2014. She had just turned 52 years old had 4 kids, 3 Grandkids : Danny, Roland and Liam and 2 girls on the way. Her dream to have a little girl in her life was coming but unfortunately it happened too late but she was excited to find out.

May she be in the presence on the great Shepherd. RIP mom... forever loved by all of us and all the people that she knew and that knew her.