black widows

A few days ago I wrote about how spiders made me feel. It was one of the worst, paralyzing, helpless feelings I had ever felt. My heart was racing, it was a form of anxiety and I hadn't felt anything close to that since college when the ex would deliberately drive me to anxiety attacks... anyways after going outside in the night and opening my eyes to the nocturnal life of spiders and particularly black widows: females and males.

My parents have this spray they use for some plants so that bugs don't eat them. My dad told me that would work. I applied some the night after I came to face with them. Some died which made me feel better... And other I felt ok, the next day... in our mail box there was a huge black bellied black widow... Can you imagine what I felt? First time I killed a spider/bug and I used a stick. The whole time I probably looked like a crazy person.

I spoke to my dad a few days ago. I think it was Saturday. I told him I don't want to go outside at night because the spiders have shown up. See my dad when I was young use to work for a pest control company so he has dealt with bugs his whole life and not only that  but since he does a lot of construction and remodeling he deals with it all. But, since we've been lucky to have him who of us wants to really see what he sees. I guess we kind of take that for granted since he would after hours go outside with a bright flashlight and kill all the spiders. So my dad told me to use the red spray and I told him I had then he proceeded to say that he also had another one.

Sunday night, it was time to  face my nightmare. My boyfriend and I went outside and both with our phone flashlights we went found found ever single little one. Now I see why my dad waits until  night, not only are they night spiders but with the shadow any little light towards them can show a huge spider therefore by making them a lot more visible. I don't know how many we spray but it was in 30-40s or more I didn't count. There were so many little tiny ones, it was insane. We don't want them. It felt good killing them. I felt powerful. I mean I did have the poison. Must better than the feeling I had last time but I do admit I can't have a spiderweb touch me. I just can't. They're so sticky and I would get all edgy.

The spiders are dead and I'm happy! It's just peachy keen.

 Female Black widow

Male Black widow

this one tend to be much smaller but since these were the best pic so far. 

old friendship and new relationships...

I know some people show their feelings online and some don't. It's normal, it's a form of self expression. I'm guilty of it myself. I mean it's a form I have to let it out. And I should probably just unsubscribe but you know I feel bad for this person. All she had is sad comments about her love life. I don't know the jist of what happen but as far as I can tell about it... maybe he broke up with her(or mutual) but she feels he might regret it one day. And that is what makes me so sad for the way she expresses herself. Just from experience but you have to live it and go through it to learn and manage the copping that comes with it.

I have learned many things and one is that guys don't regret very much. And sure sometimes we like to think they would regret it but I've learned that 99% of the time they don't. He would an odd ball out that would. Well not necessarily but if he loved her and she didn't and she broke up with him them... some guys are put in that position. (Same thing happens  to guys is what I'm trying to say) There are many men and women who break and turn the nice good ones into what they become, heartless F****! That isn't always a bad thing but it can be. Opening up can be difficult. It only takes the right person coming into their lives.

I remember when my ex specifically (but not limited to other men I've dated in the past)  broke up with me. I felt like (sadly) I was the best thing to happen to him (them) ( I wasn't, this wife now, who has been taken for granted is a great woman who has helped him a lot, a different story of why I think highly of her and I admire her) . And in a way it  would make me feel better and then it would be myself kicking my self down because then that meant I even wasn't  good enough. We tend to lie to ourselves and hurt ourselves even more.

Now it took me time to realize that maybe I wasn't the whole problem and maybe he was part of it as well. Duh, Sometimes I think we just suddenly become dumb when we're heart broken because we're not thinking clearly. You try and see if compatibility grows as you're getting to know each other better  but sometimes syncing isn't quite as it should. Now, let's say that if I would have stayed with any of them, would I be happy? Sure I would be happy for a while but they wouldn't. So then with the disagreements and incompatibility would I be happy trying to make someone happy and sacrificing my happiness? Which let's say think of it this way: they loved you and you didn't love them... Would you be happy sacrificing yourself for a person? Women like I use to be and how some are, we would still be trying so hard  to make it work no matter what. I think that even through our unhappiness we would keep trying but eventually that catches up to you. You can't compromise yourself and think you're going to be happy and most importantly you cannot compromise their happiness.  It doesn't work this way and you're not suppose to make it work this way.

In a break-up or when you stop the dating, you're sort of going through a 'cold turkey' detox from a very powerful drug that our body makes while deeply infatuated or possibly in love. You're depressed or on a high making the reality and illusion. In all honesty what ever happens during those moments cannot really be remembered in all clarity because it's not. You're in your own personal drug withdrawals. I remember feeling the pain during what would be anniversaries and special days like Valentine's day. Suddenly that special love day become a horrible single awareness realization that you're going to be "Forever Alone." Not the case, but that's how we feel at the moment. Keep busy, will always be the best way to help getting through anything.

One thing we can always do is change those dates that have these nostalgic meanings into something positive. It's not an easy easy process but I assure you, that it is very possible. At first it's hard but after a while the positive becomes stronger than that nostalgic sad date. I, for example, was having a bit of a hard time for a while back in the past. My anniversary was November  5th... When I was expecting my son his due date was December 22, 2005 ... when it came time for the baby shower, well since I was in U of R ... my schedule was limited but the best day was November 5th, 2005... and although at the time it was still difficult, in the end it became such a memorable experience that all I remember for that date is happy moments. It was the celebration of my pregnancy with all my loved ones, friends, family, and my mom's friends and to be honest it was one of the happiest days of my life.

We need to remember the happy moments in the relationships we're in. And, let them go as they were, happy moments but never let those moments define your life. Don't make your life so miserable because you can't recreate those moments. The hard part is that as well, trying to move on. Also, don't reminisce on the negative but don't forget the bad. You must never forget the negative experiences so that you will know what to look for in the next relationship or when you date people. You should always learn from all experiences and take in the good and learn from the bad.

Red flagging will be your best friend. It may seem you're too off-standish or paranoid or even distrusting but give yourself time to really know the person. I once listed the characteristics/qualities I wanted in a man. Never just take anyone because they're paying attention to you. Give yourself, self worth.

What I have done in the past is meet people and get to know them as who they are and be accepting. It's best you know them, as who they are. Figure out their flaws, know your flaws as well, because as you have been burned by others, trust and be sure they have been burned themselves so opening up is always tough especially as we get older. When you know their flaws or just a few of them, think about it this way: Can I live with those? Do those[flaws] annoy me? How long will it take for that to irritate me? Can I love those flaws? You have to pick someone that you know you will be able to handle the worse you know about them...And most of all, know that what ever decision you make, it was a choice. It was a choice you made to love that person. Love is a choice you make from the get go. If you're looking for an adventure don't bother. Expect to be treated how you're treating them. It's as simple as that.

I'm a single mom and when I got with my boyfriend, we talked about how we felt about marriage in the future and what we felt about divorce. We agreed that for us marriage was a sacred bond between two people no matter what. And we agreed when and if we ever decided to get married, divorce wouldn't be on the plate. We don't think that  starting marriage with the definition of divorce would lead us anywhere. Have in mind the things that you will want to know about that person and your position and their position. There many things to consider that will make the relationship work.

I am not married yet but I have to tell you, I've been the happiest in my life now than I have ever been. He's accepting, loving and caring. And we do have disagreements but we're able to talk and discuss. We communicate a and I'm sure that that is the best way to make any relationship work.

Best of luck!

Bugs... Spiders

I seriously don't think I had felt so much small anxiety as I felt last night. Well let me back track a bit, yes I have but I meant with spiders. I know there are bugs outside and well it's nature, right?! It is summer.

When I was a little girl my dad worked on pest control. So I always had the certainty that he got rid of all the bugs. And in all of our houses we have never really had many bugs or if they come in they disappear chortly after. My parents have been out of town with their family and well it's made me go outside less and less. Well my mom manages her plants which I at least have watered and My dad is all over the place outside so there is hardly any bugs... It's not the same. :(

I go outside and there are webs everywhere. Well that's a huge exagerration. They are everywhere but not all over the place... just in many many places. I have to take  out the trash. Spider webs there and in the mail box... *Shivers* Decided to a my phone flash light. There were black widows webbing from the trash can to the recycle one. And I hadn't realized there were so many spiders... the more I saw them, the more I freaked out. I hadn't realized and now I wished I hadn't. I don't even want to go out at night anymore. It's stupid, out there. Now, I miss my parents. The house feels so empty without them and so big.
*sigh* oh well... Spiders just want to live but I think they're the scariest things ever... I don't know why but I hate 'em .... I don't want them close and I can't even kill them because thinking about it (unless it's sprayed) then it freaks me out...

Ant, are the most annoying pests...
Spiders, scariest
roaches, the most disgusting

The 3 things I can't stand!!!

Son goes to school tomorrow

I'm happy, excited, sad, worried... and then some about my son going to school tomorrow. He starts 2nd grade. My boy is growing fast. So many people talking about their  shopping sprees and having everything ready for school. All their back to school stuff...

Stupid stores always reminding us that break is over so fast....

And now...

It literally is...

But, I think this is the first time he's not going in new clothes.  I suppose new clothes isn't the important part of going to school but I suppose the media and materialistic people have embedded this in society so a part of me can't help but to feel guilty.

You know what, though? When I was growing up we didn't go to school without the latest. An old backpack that has durability is just as good as a new one. I didn't fail school because I didn't have the coolest shoes. I didn't flunk because I was not inn style. I had pencils and paper, I went to school and every else is history. Once I can I'll start buying him a few items at a time. I start teaching lessons again next week. It sucks not having much of work during the summer.

My son will do well, if it kills. I wish him the best tomorrow. I love him with all my heart and with hard work and dedication he will go far.

It's Late and I'm up

Yea, obviously I am since I am typing . I think I'm up because I slept a bit during the day. Well I didn't mean to.

Sunday, we made tamales. And like always those are fun. A lot of work... well the best part to them is tasting the final product. And well we didn't stay up too late. They were done by like 11:30ish but Johnson and I fell asleep and thank goodness they didn't burn because we never heard the timer go off. We checked them, ate a couple and decided to turn in. Well I took a shower but he had been knocked out. he must be tired from his work week.

So, in the morning it was so hard to get up and we have been sleeping well the last couple of nights. Monday morning was not fun getting up. Well he showers and I get the tamales ready for delivery. He leaves.

I was suppose to  give my mom a massage.

I just paid of my debt from my breaks... yay! So this means that this would go to the vitamins I am taking. But, she had work to do for herself. I went to my room and just sat for a minute, this huge sleepiness came over. It was like the sleepiness was not in any way controlled. I knocked out... I would wake up but I couldn't wake up if you know what I mean. Everything was hazy and I was so sleepy still, I think I'd move and knockout again. One time Danny was standing over me. I don't sleep during the day, so I'm sure he found it odd. It was weird for  me too...

It was like being in that sleep deep felt so right and so comfortable. I just hope that type of sleepiness never hits me like that. I hate the feeling of being helpless. I know I can be tired and groggy but I couldn't even wake up and much less get up for that matter. I slept from 9-1pm even though from night time I have slept from like 11ish to 8ish... So I know I slept well.

Anyways, so now I'm up and it's about to be 2am and we're suppose to leave as soon as we can to Pomona. My mom's friend lives out there.

Tuesday is Danny's last day of freedom before he starts school. My boy is starting 2nd. I know this year will be more challenging. He is also going to start his first year of his Cathecism class so he can do his first communion after his 2nd year. It's going to be challenging. I hope I'm more involved. I need to be for this to work.

Let's see how it all goes.

Just the process of life

The first Sunday, Johnson and I got to sleep some. Since June every weekend we spend weekends and sometimes a few days during the week making tamales. It was tiring work but man was the food delicious. I enjoy spreading the love at times. There was never enough time to catch up sleep. It's summer so it's so hot and can't sleep past a certain time. I think if people still want some we'll make some but definitely don't do much advertizement until like late October early November. It definitely has been fun spending lots of time with the boyfriend. He's the greatest person in the world that I know. He is the only person who hasn't disappointed me. I'm not saying I will never, I don't have false hopes. I know there are many ups and down to come and many challenges. I mean if we truly do want to spend the rest of our lives together there is nothing else to expect, you know? I'm not realistic. I know the reality of life. Life has managed to knock into to me, in a not so easy and fun way but it's the best way I think I could have handled.

I'm still not doing well, work wise. I'm still teaching just private lesson so I barely have any income but I'm doing the best I can with what I get.

I'm slowly paying a credit card from many years ago. I just started making very small payments on a school loan. It makes me sad I can't pay more. I know it's meant to teach me something in life. And I suppose I've grown or learned to be a lot more patient. I know, that the wait for all of this, will be very well worth it.





Warning!!!!
On a more personal and I mean personal ... so don't continue if you're under 18 or  don't want to know about my very personal and not public life.




















If you're still here, if anybody is even reading this is more about my sexual part of life.











So, It's the beginning of August on Thursday. And as much as that is thrilling because I will have lessons again and because Danny starts school, it's also the beginning of Johnson's second year of his RCIA course. He's been going for over a year and he is almost done but as adults we discussed sex which was quite emotional. Well mainly for me, maybe because I'm a girl but I cried. Not because we had it but because we were discussing stopping. It's going to be the longest and hardest test our relationship will take, in my opinion well not because we don't love each other but this will be a sacrifice and I'm sure there will be moodiness and I don't know.

We tried this a bit for lent and it was a difficult 6+ weeks and this will be months over. August through like April Easter Sunday.... well actually it would deem irresponsible from my part that he has just been baptized,, confirmed and received his first communion for me to lure him into sin after he's been newly introduced into the church as a member. He's converting to Catholicism. He's doing all this for me but himself as well. We go to mass together every Sunday and I think we can make better members of society.

So, I just know know if the right thing is to not have sex at all until we're married since we already stopped. See and I suppose this is where the tribulations of the relationship. I know we can pull through, I mean it's just sex but really is it just sex? It's the closeness we feel with each other when we talk after. It's the intimacy we feel. We're just able to talk more openly and express more. I''m sure we can do that anyways but it's so much easier to feel closer when we're exposed and in each other's arms. I have never felt so close to somebody in life like him and he accepts me as I am, or at least that is what he shows. I couldn't ask God for a more perfect person in my life. I  suppose I will be writing more about my feelings and different things as we go through this process of celibacy or chastity .... I don't know which ... or what they consist of but they both mean "no sex" so yea. 

Love

Love

 

I mean serious look at us. Sure, I may seem a little biased. I know at first when people asked I would never really honestly say where we did meet. But as we progress more in this journey in life getting to know each other more and finding stuff about our selves and each other. I'm a bit more able to be honest. 

You see this writing I'm doing here? Well some consider that a form of blogging. I know I'm treating you stupid and I'm teasing. We met blogging. I actually remember  why I subscribed to his page. How many people can actually pin point how they first took interest even though it wasn't attraction interested. 

It was the same words but different picture. Who knew subscribing to someone would lead to chatting online, well don't get me wrong. I talked to many people but most just for talking, to meeting to a relationship... I wasn't really close to many but a couple and there was one person who I was semi interested in but my Cucumber_melonhead was the one who I ended up needing and who needed me. I think (and this is him telling me) that we chatted online because I posted a "Pulse" on XANGA  (which was where we met) which said I was bored. He saw me 'on' the chat and started talking me. We talked quite a bit. Never thought much of it, I wasn't quite interested in people much, until he gave me his number and he was posting stuff about having a crush. I am not a person who allows many people in. But, lucky him haha or lucky me, I let him in. Sometimes I'm still surprised.  Not, because I don't love him but people when I feel a little neglected or sad, it's just easier to push people out fast. It's been so easy not to let people into my life.

Sometimes, and this is my insecurity talking but I wonder if it's true. And I shouldn't question because he demonstrates it by driving 80 miles a week to see me.Spends time with the family he helps my son and I, he cooks... Maybe it's because I see how so many people are so thoughtful with their significant others. I'm being selfish. I don't want anything I have it all and more than enough. I guess we all complain and it's not right.

This selfless man fell in love with me. He loves my son. He does everything in power to be awesome. He helps me cook, we go to mass together every sunday. He's converting to Catholicism. What person does this? well a person who loves another person right? He's actually met all my family that's available by now. He's learning to speak spanish and he can make awesome enchiladas. There's nothing about him that can be a deal breaker well unless he cheats, or deceives me in a way in which I feel I can't trust him again.

I'm starting to sometimes feel a little jealous. I try not to let those emotions get the best of me. It makes me feel guilty people who know there are people who have many friends that are girls. Friends always come first but sometimes, you know....

I think I'm just being a little crazy. 

If he wasn't the right type of person  my son would have outed him out and my son absolutely loves him. So he's definitely doing awesome with us. I'm actually surprised he hasn't ran out with the craziness. I'm not "crazy" crazy but sometimes a little nutty!  Then again who isn't. I'm very aware and I think that sometimes is not good because i think too much before reacting and I don't say very much of what I feel. And if I do I feel guilt. Talk about bad but good in a sense.

I think I was every where than what I intended but oh well!

In 5 years...

I have asked myself many times the dreaded question, "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?"

Ewww... didn't it hurt to read it? Well it probably hurt more to write it. I really want to say something positive. Like, having a wonderful job (CEO of some company, haha I don't even believe that for a second myself), a wonderful wife, a couple kids, taking danny to his sport events while he's in middle school. I don't know...

Yea, that sound pretty boring but more than likely more plausible.

Then I start thinking of over 5 years ago. Maybe even before high school. I thought owning a music store and teaching lessons would be something that I would love but as I see the music and the arts diminish in society it just seems like such a farfetched dream. More like something to laugh about.

More realistically, 10 yrs ago I never saw myself as a single mom. I just dreamed, has illusions, nothing concrete. I guess then i figured that once I was finishing college everything would fix it self itself it didn't. Five years ago, I was truly hoping that by now I'd have a job.

It hasn't happened. I was hoping that by now I'd at least be closer to having part of my loans paid. I'd have a semi nice car and my son would be ok, with the things he needs. He has all basic necessities but as a parent something we want to give a little more. 

I pay that the next 5 years of my life are a lot more tolerable and happier than the last 10 years. Don't get me wrong, it's been ok but sometimes we want more.

A job can fix everything

As of now, I feel less pain thank God or luck or anybody/everybody. A molar the 2nd behind the canine on my bottom right hand side chipped for the first time 2 weeks after Danny was born. I naturally freaked out. I went to a dentist. They  said not to pull them out but to fix them was so ridiculous that well that was out of my hands.

A few years back, the same on my left hand side started doing the same thing. This time knowing what the dentist would say, I didn't go. I don't have much work. I make about 100 a month sometimes more on a lucky month for with that I can't afford much.

The right one most of it fell off a few weeks ago but of course have more of the root and I think it's pushing more on my gums that it hurts sometimes. Goodness does it suck not being able to afford even necessity stuff. And, for like 3 weeks now I had been suffering with the half crown I had left in the left one. it started hurting so bad, I couldn't eat. I did, though, and it sucked and it hurt and god it wouldn't go away. I didn't take pain medication, something ever helped so why... And Sunday I had a small sigh of relief when I moved it and it fell out. Of course the room that borders is still in there but it doesn't hurt as much. I guess it sucks. But, what can you do when there is nothing you can do. Sometimes I wonder how people but then I get depressed so I stop.

Obviously people have work and their jobs have insurance so that definitely helps. I, myself, can't even find typical work and if I do it probably don't cover jack shit so you can imagine what a freaking degree that I can't use because it's confiscated will do for me. NOTHING!!! Yup... I sometimes feel like a nothing because of everything I have accomplished since I finished at a private university. It just makes me feel like the poor it they're not above (even just a little) poverty level then they can't succeed. Back in the day it felt because we were in poverty level they gave us cuts and thank god for those few helps but look at me now.

I hate it that I'm 28, with a son, no steady job, no insurance of any kind, I'm losing some of my molars, I need to get s physical and get my self checked because sometimes all these symptoms I get are not normal.

I know I can always complain about how shitty life is and how family can talk smack because I have a degree and doing jack shit but ultimately I'm still alive, my son is content and he has what he needs what else can I ask for. so my teeth are falling and I can't eat well and I chew slowly, so I don't get infections. We all go through that, right? Right?!! RIGHT?!?!?!?!

One day, I'll have enough to be okay, at least that's what I pray for. A small break. A job so I can get what I need and not have to somehow find money when clothes are rip. I need to work in order for this to happen. I need a job to even start thinking about getting married. You can't do that leap until you're okay with a budget. And most importantly I need all my loans and paid off so I  can go back to school and get something that will help me get a job. Then and only then will my teeth be okay, will my health be okay, will my son have an opportunity for a future in  college, and I will have the opportunity for happiness to contribute even more as I should and not seem like a needy person like the whole worlds sees us. I'm not. All I want is a job. Everything else can be easily fixed by that. I'm serious!

Sunday Park

Johnson and I decide to take Danny to the park after I had done some prepping for the tamales I was going to make. And, before it was time to go to church where my mom and grandma had been the whole weekend. It was humid, semi hot and the sky was threatening it was going rain but it was the first time danny had asked to go to the park. I had been asking him to go for quite some time. It worries me when he doesn't want to leave the room but I know it's so darn lonely in Apple Valley.

Anyways, So we went to the park we kicked a ball around because the was the whole motive of heading to the park for Danny. We have a lot of space here as well but we have dirt and who doesn't like the green fresh look of a park. We had fun and I even fell flat on my back ... hilarious times. We enjoyed kicking the ball, talk about a simple way to feel like a child again. Well, Danny got tired of kicking the ball and so decided to take the ball to the trunk which was fine and he was being responsible for the ball to be put away.

They go play in the swings, in the monkey bars... you know two boys just monkeying around. The way ilove to watch them. I enjoy them.

I'm wearing my hair up in one messed up bun, no make-up but I was wearing shades so it didn't matter. I was just silently watching my boys and occasionally seeing my phone: facebook, instagram. Then this black man walks by on his phone. And I thought nothing of it. The city has a lot of white and black descendants and everybody is friendly most of the time, I'm Mexican so our radar is sharp when you know people are being a little racist because it happens. Well not that great of one since people get pretty obvious.

He's on his phone and I'm on the bench table, facing the park and my back to the parking lot.while he's walking to the left  Then he asks, "You alone?" And of course I say "no" ... I say "I'm here with my son and my boyfriend." He tend to stop asking questions after that, well  usually right? I don't know myself but I'm assuming. He walks walk back to my right hand side. Then he looks at me and he says, "That's your boy?" And I say "Yes, he's my boy." "And that's you boyfriend?" "Yes" "If he his?" And I say, "No, it's from a relationship gone wrong." and he walks to the left again. Still he seems on his phone, which is weird because I don't think he was ever talking, or who the heck knows.

Then he walks again to the right in a much slower pace and looking right at me, licking his lips. I swear I hadn't felt this violated in many years since I was like 13 and so insecure and use to hear so much "cat calling." It felt like he was undressing me with his eyes and it felt truly uncomfortable. He walks back to his car which so happens to have been this gold colored mini van. And he gets in and starts to drive in the parking lot to the exit. I felt so relieved to see him leave. A big, huge, sigh of relieve was exhaling from my body when I see him put his right hand turn when I see his van back up again. All I should think was "Shit, I was almost in the clear." I swear I hadn't felt this uncomfortable in a while. Now, I know how hot girls feel 24/7 and I'm happy I'm not one of them. I wouldn't be able to handle the pressure, the looks, and much less the attention.

I heard him get out of his car. Then I heard him pass right behind me but I wasn't going to turn. I figured that if I didn't turn he wouldn't talk to me and I can just concentrate on looking at Johnson and Danny play in the pay ground. I hear him walking pass again behind. And he taps me in the shoulder and says, "This is for you."
"Ok, thank you." He goes. And I open this little piece of paper.

"Carry
323-***-****
call me :)~ "

And I signal Johnson 5, as in it was 5 more minutes but he thought it was 5pm. Which is was okay with me.They got ready to leave.

As much as it was flattered to receive a number from a complete stranger I leave much more happier having a man in my world that loves me, respects me, and I know what he likes and he knows what I like. I thought about the potentials of ever having to think about dating another person and it's not something that I would ever want to do voluntarily. Of course, I'm not going to call his man, ever. I guess he can dream right. haha

Summer is ending...

Goodness gracious it's been forever since I've blogged here. Since xanga almost seems off limits I suppose I am back to blogging to this wonderful site. Not being so sarcastic, but since I'm not use to this it's going to take a while. I guess I'm still a little disappointing that even if xanga does make the fundraiser that it will cost to blog.

Anyways, the reason why I'm actually starting to blog since I hadn't really been doing that in a long while. I should, it's always so helpful. =D

So today, just seems like summer is coming to an end and running so quickly. I signed up Danny for Summer school and it so happened that it happened to have started 2 weeks before he starts regular school. It's July 22 and he ends on August 2nd. Now, regular school starts on August 7th. Not to mention that that will mean endless homework, the only reason I looked forward to finishing school but children defiinitely change all of that. Sometimes helping with homework sucks but the truth is that as much as it is hard for me I can't imagine how hard it  is for my son when he's actually struggling, you know? Cest la vie and it must continue.

I should start teaching lessons soon enough. I start once the school year starts as well. Well that school starts on August 8 but since it starts on a thursday I probably will not start lessons until the next week. The date is still not known. I'm always excited to meet new students and help them expand their mind which leads me to needing to practice more. I'm so happy I get to work and teach kids. It's a truly life experience, now I wished my son sometimes listened to me like my students did. But, I suppose that's every teacher's issue. The money here isn't that great and we usually invest more which hurts the pocket expecially because it feels like I sometimes don't give enough to my son but then again if I didn't teach private music lesson then there wouldn't be any money at all. Life is hard at times, but when I see the people in it, it doesn't feel so bad after all.

I'm still hoping that I'm going to find a job soon.It's so hard living where I'm living and not being able to work without commuting. I commute to teaching lessons and gas for like is like $25 round trip so I know I at least have to teach 2 students to be able to afford the drive which sucks having to depend on that to keep doing what I love. The more I avoid LA and the city themore it seems like I'm going to be pulled out there almost but not against my will. It's so far but it's the only place where there seems to be jobs and where there is at least one person I want there, Johnson. I don't know but life just pulls me closer that way and to him. I love that man, and he does so much for us it would be awesome to be able to help him out like he has tried to help myself and my son and a job would be the best first step in doing done.

More to come.