Since I'm still getting into the hang of this writing thing with so many changes happening I still haven't done pictures. We hardly take pictures now. And the few that we I hardly have time to upload to my little laptop. Or many it's laziness but I surely prefer sleeping.
It's friday and I'm relaxing. It has felt like such a long week.
Danny got an award for doing better in school and well in Math. So proud of him, he can go to Shakey's Pizza for a personal pizza. Very happy! The only thing was he was so tired last night so he started acting up. I think that really got to Johnson. I know they were both very tired. I was too and it was tough but I think Johnson got very upset. Last night he went to talk to Danny and came back upset. I don't know how bad the convo or if Danny said something offended or what. But, Johnson came back overwhelmed and said, "you go talk to him!" And he left. I guess he went for a drive. I went to ask Danny what happen and talk to him and he said nothing. Johnson hasn't talked about it and doesn't want to because he ignores my questions.
I don't know. Maybe he nice time to rest and relax by himself. I think tomorrow I'm going to take danny to his catechism class and go chill somewhere. Then once Danny is out I'm going to go to the swapmeet with danny and have some mommy son time. I think Danny needs that also. We're always so tired from work that we haven't had too much time to pay attention to him. We're all overwhelmed and God know I need a huge break too but this is why I started writing. I use to be trapped and stuck and didn't have much of an outlet and well writing sure keeps me sane. I don't feel as crazy anymore. I think Johnson should do the same. I think he would relax a bit.
He's a patient person but he's finally peaked. I don't want him to build resentment. I guess I think I've pushed him as well. He's meaner and he doesn't even realize it. Yesterday I asked him to put lotion inmy back and he did and then he put the cold bottle on my back after a few complaints... I jsut stop moving and didn't say anything ... I couldn't let it but cry. I felt hurt.
Anyways... I feel better writing. :) Happiness comes with releasing my stress.
Friday, February 21, 2014
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
coming back to what I need to do to to be sane
Whoa! It's been such a long time since I've blogged. I've since xanga so much. I miss writing I'm so tired so busy. No time to write and that sucks so much. Well I guess I'm going to update in a minimal sense.
So in November Danny and I came to live with Johnson and his mom and bro. It was a hard decision not because I didn't want to but because of the smoking and no room and it just frankly grossed me out. I'm still grossed a lot but I guess I've learned to deal with it. There is nothing I can do. Sometimes i do but it's so overwhelming. It sucks feeling like you have to give up and that you want to live somewhere else as soon as you can. There is no space so we have a mess. At least my son gets his own room which makes it better so he can relax.
I started working for one of Johnson's friends. I enjoy it. I'm kept busy all day. It's a tiny little company they're trying to build so it's a lot of busy work. They sell masquerade masks so sometimes there are sales. I am exhausted though. I'm in at 8 and out at 5. Then a lot of homework with Danny. Sometimes I want to scream and maybe I would release some tension. But, I can't.
It's been a tough transition but on the right hand I've been able to buy Danny shoes and uniforms.
I'm sure it's been a little tough and Johnson as well. He's sometimes on edge even though he says he's not.
It's' been a couple of days so I'll cooled off. I mean don't get me wrong. It's the happiness moment in our family when we heard the news. My sister is pregnant. We're so excited except she's being secretive which is ok, I suppose but she's going to be one of those edgy ones.She wont tell us the due date or how far along she is because it's a secret. I guess I was a little hurt she never told me anything. When I found out I was pregnant with my son. Yea, my friends found out only because I was in college and they were there. But, the first person I told was my sister. I just wished that when she was pregnant she would have done the same.But, I guess she's never been one to tell me much. it always feels like she pushes me out and it has always hurt. She has her friends and she wont let us in. I guess I'm a bit jealous and always have been especially because I don't have friends like those. But, it just feels like when we're around her friends just give off this "You don't belong here" feeling to me... I don't know if anyone has felt it or maybe because I have known then or seems then since they were little when they were growing up.I don't know.
The frustration of this can feel overwhelming to me like no one might understand. Well I'm sure there are some people who do. But, anyways.
I'm excited. I'm going to be an auntie again. We'll see if to a boy or a girl. I have 2 adorable little nephew. She shall see when she finds out in a few months or if she decides to keep that a secret then well when the baby is born. Who knows... from what I hear she wasn't only rude to me when I asked her touch her tummy or when I asked her about due date. Only 2 of her frie nds know.
I'm not going to push the matter they can give her all the attentions she needs. She can be high maintenance and I guess I'll wait until she comes to us. She will. Other than that we'll just stay clear until she wants us near.
Alright so that's that. It felt good being able to type and just blow on paper. I sometimes feel I can't say much or do much. Sometimes I feel less freedom. I don't have less freedom. I mean, less 'me' time. That's the overwhelming thing. Wake up early,work, even my lunch usually not the whole time because things need to be done. Then pick up Danny homework.All I could do if I can is go to sleep and eat... *sigh* I don't even have time to write anymore. I think that's what was killing me the most. Sometimes I'm screaming inside and I can't let it out.
So in November Danny and I came to live with Johnson and his mom and bro. It was a hard decision not because I didn't want to but because of the smoking and no room and it just frankly grossed me out. I'm still grossed a lot but I guess I've learned to deal with it. There is nothing I can do. Sometimes i do but it's so overwhelming. It sucks feeling like you have to give up and that you want to live somewhere else as soon as you can. There is no space so we have a mess. At least my son gets his own room which makes it better so he can relax.
I started working for one of Johnson's friends. I enjoy it. I'm kept busy all day. It's a tiny little company they're trying to build so it's a lot of busy work. They sell masquerade masks so sometimes there are sales. I am exhausted though. I'm in at 8 and out at 5. Then a lot of homework with Danny. Sometimes I want to scream and maybe I would release some tension. But, I can't.
It's been a tough transition but on the right hand I've been able to buy Danny shoes and uniforms.
I'm sure it's been a little tough and Johnson as well. He's sometimes on edge even though he says he's not.
It's' been a couple of days so I'll cooled off. I mean don't get me wrong. It's the happiness moment in our family when we heard the news. My sister is pregnant. We're so excited except she's being secretive which is ok, I suppose but she's going to be one of those edgy ones.She wont tell us the due date or how far along she is because it's a secret. I guess I was a little hurt she never told me anything. When I found out I was pregnant with my son. Yea, my friends found out only because I was in college and they were there. But, the first person I told was my sister. I just wished that when she was pregnant she would have done the same.But, I guess she's never been one to tell me much. it always feels like she pushes me out and it has always hurt. She has her friends and she wont let us in. I guess I'm a bit jealous and always have been especially because I don't have friends like those. But, it just feels like when we're around her friends just give off this "You don't belong here" feeling to me... I don't know if anyone has felt it or maybe because I have known then or seems then since they were little when they were growing up.I don't know.
The frustration of this can feel overwhelming to me like no one might understand. Well I'm sure there are some people who do. But, anyways.
I'm excited. I'm going to be an auntie again. We'll see if to a boy or a girl. I have 2 adorable little nephew. She shall see when she finds out in a few months or if she decides to keep that a secret then well when the baby is born. Who knows... from what I hear she wasn't only rude to me when I asked her touch her tummy or when I asked her about due date. Only 2 of her frie nds know.
I'm not going to push the matter they can give her all the attentions she needs. She can be high maintenance and I guess I'll wait until she comes to us. She will. Other than that we'll just stay clear until she wants us near.
Alright so that's that. It felt good being able to type and just blow on paper. I sometimes feel I can't say much or do much. Sometimes I feel less freedom. I don't have less freedom. I mean, less 'me' time. That's the overwhelming thing. Wake up early,work, even my lunch usually not the whole time because things need to be done. Then pick up Danny homework.All I could do if I can is go to sleep and eat... *sigh* I don't even have time to write anymore. I think that's what was killing me the most. Sometimes I'm screaming inside and I can't let it out.
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