my mind is not helping

Sadly, at this moment I am not happy at all. I don't know what it is but it hit me than it has in a long time... I want it all to be over... I know I'm being selfish but I see my son and I want to cry.... it makes me feel bad for him... I just wish he had more. At this point, I feel I don't deserve to be alive and everything would be much better if I wasn't. I've lost passion in life again in years and it's over... the only image that gives me comfort is the thought of blood gushing out as the light fades (I know a bit romantic right?) I should be happy and I should be optimistic. I should show people that I can do it... I should but I don't care. I remember when I went to therapy because i had my issues and and many had to do with my parents (hey, which I'm still here)  - Why does the Mocking bird sing? Can you tell me... I want to talk to people and at the same time I don't... I feel like I waste their time. Nobody understands... all they can do if give me pity and what it that worth. The only that gives me some sort of fulfillment is when I get to leave my house alone... other than that I feel trapped... I feel caged... I feel I don't have any freedom or privacy. I feel as though I'm already dead ... but just alive in body. In fact the only thing that makes me feel ok was if I was in a dark room by my self... I just want to sleep... I want to close my eyes and never awake... it would sure beat feeling worth nothing anyways... sometimes I don't even feel like a person ... I just feel an object manageable to alls pleasing... I feel dead inside right now... it's not working- crying- tears just overflow and i'm not really crying. I just want to feel something... but I feel nothing... I can't still pretend while chatting with people but my smile is gone... When I smile is when I'm actually happy. I've been noticing this for a while, that it's fading more and more...... and nothing does it to recover...the thought of travelling is thrilling then I think. The saddest thing is feeling nothing is worth it anymore. My emptiness keep accumulating. It's no need to release but it's all there... I get it. I don't want or need anyone (or I don't know) I don't have them if it makes sense... I have no friends. I feel lost. I feel as though I have a fam but we're all so distant. I don't feel close to people.... I try making plans, they never work out. I just need to spend time with people and they never have the time of day and then I reconfirm that in fact being alone is the better route. give me drink and let me chase with some sleeping pills... I'm sorry I didn't mean that... I just want to see blood.... so many times I just fantasize of a knife deeply raping my body (just like I fantasied ending it in high school)... a more deserving punishment. I Always hear the whole you'll go to hell... well you know what all I want is peace....fuck going to hell... Can it get any worse... I'm sure it can... should it? I don't know, I don't care... I don't know why I always feel like this and it goes and comes back. It's not fair! I want it to go away and it keeps following me, my a fucking shadow... it wont stop. The only place I hide is in my own darkness and the dark just accumulates. I sometimes just want to feel a little of happiness... and happiness never last.... it's superficial it last as long I talk to people. After that it's gone. Don't get me wrong I don't depend on people for happiness... there are other things that sometimes happen. I should love me... I do... I love me enough to want to end it. I think I'm pretty sometimes... well I either hate me or like the way I see... sometime I feel maybe being blind I would be happier. I wouldn't judge myself (even though I would miss my colors- oh well I only wear black and love red) and then I would have to accept people but then I think... that I would be more trapped and then they would keep me jailed even more... almost impossible. Sometimes (and I mean sometimes) I want to meet someone who will accept me... I don't know at times whether I'll be happy but it doesn't matter. I'm sure it couldn't get any worse. And if it did then oh well... I went out looking for it. Yea, why blame someone else if it's all my doing... the negativity, the foreshadowing... 12:34... suddenly people want to see me again same .... I don't know i'm not much in the mood currently... dating doesn't seem appealing... I don't want to... I don't want to meet someone new... some I don't wanna get to know... really in fact all I need is a friend...  *sigh* every time I'm just disappointed... in reality fuck taking the fuck... I don't care. If it ever happens fine, a surprise I wont... guys don't want friendship usually there is always a special interest. Fuck, if you wanna fuck me just let me know... it sure beats "beating around the bush" <-- haha but seriously... Use you pick up lines... the easiest way... You thought I was going to tell you, i'm not and I know it... it's worked in the past... Have I been hurt... I guess... can I be more hurt now... can't feel worse than now... if i was on my death bed, I'd be dead... with the loss of hope and nothing to be happy about who wants to keep going through pain anyways... oh well... it doesn't matter...

trantrum

I feel so childish throwing this tantrum... I just wanna scream... I can't stop crying... and it's not because I'm sad. It's more I am very disapointed for bringing my hopes ups. I just needed an out and I thought I was finally going to get it. But, apparently not... Currently, I'm very short... I don't even feel like talking eating... everything just leads to more crying... hence my tantrum... I wanna scream for not getting my way. It's like the most I keep the intensity accumulating inside me the most I get a headache the more... it hurts inside... physically. It feels as thought somethings wants to jump out of me... I am so mad at me. I'm stupid and dumb for even thinking it was a possibility. AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ok that was a good cyber scream. I'm still not happy currently... I need my escape and I don't ever see it coming. It being last minute was the only way it felt it was going to happen. the only way I would be able to leave without telling anyone. The only way to escape. Why do I feel so stressed, so trapped... I'm crying like a baby and it doesn't make sense. Ok I feel a lil better now...