It's been quite a while since I have wanted to write. It was always an outlet but now with everything being online and everybody find what you write, comment, and read between the lines when it's not there, you worry someone might misread.

Not that I ever wrote something that would affect me in a negative in life, or my job but people can't express themselves the same because some one is always judging and those who should be judged on their negativity are not checked. Well what can you do, c'est la vie 2018!

Right now, I sad but not sad. I know it sounds contradictory. I suppose, I should explain myself better but that's how I feel. I am a little sad or bummed more than anything that my little guy is about to turn 13 in December. I was 4 weeks short exactly of my 21st birthday when he was born. My boy is about to be a Teen and he's my only kid. I want another one and as easy as it was to disappoint my parents with a young pregnancy while I was finishing off my 2nd year of my University.

Now that I want, there are no raining babies. It's suppose to be easy. The worst part is people are so inquisitive. "So when are you going to have another? You son is getting older now!" , " Are you ever going to have more?", " It's time for the girl!", " Have you have talked about having children?", "It's time for you two!", "Why haven't you had kids, it's been a long time?!"

It's funny how everybody knows what to say or what's the best timing. If they only knew, if it were possible I would have had another 2 by now. What's happening, I don't know. What do I say to them? Well, it mostly goes like , " (light laughter) I guess, we just haven't been blessed yet"  or "(hehe) Yea, I suppose it time" ... Anything to just end, the interrogations. Do I want, well yes, but the only ones who need to know are my honey and well my heart. People don't know how sad it makes me I have not been able to be a mom for at least a 2nd time now.

Maybe that's why I have been able to give so much love to my nieces and nephews. I truly love them so much! I can't even believe how much I do. They feel like a little extension, that I just enjoy their presence so much.

I guess the only thing I can do it wait. I have a new born niece and a soon to be 5 month old nephew. Maybe in a way it's good because for the first time in a few years I feel budget is a little tight, but I know I can make it work if need be.

Pro:
I would be happy.

Cons: How am I going to take time off work, we don't get health benefits? If I don't work, I can't pay for monthly insurance. We don't get maternity leave? Where would the baby stay during the day? Will M-I-L watch the baby? Will she quite smoking? If I don't work, I can't afford to pay bills.

Pro:
I would be happy.

Cons: Am I being selfish? How will our finances look?

Pro:
Danny turned out well and never was missing anything. We made it work.

Sometimes I get stuck in my head. I only get a few minutes to think. When I am at work, it's all work work work and one thing and another. As soon as I leave work its typically baseball baseball baseball so when I am there all I think about is if Danny has everything he needs and UNIFORMS is everything ready? When can I pick up my order, we have a tournament. Then I finally get home and all I want to do is rest. I am not going to lie, sometimes I do and rather not do anything else. But, I do make sure loads of clothes are washed. As for cooking, I am fortunate, I don't worry too much. My honey takes care of us in that.

So can I be happy ever though there will be some hardships and sacrifices? I think so. I can't wait to hold my own little one. I hope to be blessed by a miracle because there's no way I can pay for the possibility.