Damn, it's 2015 and I haven't blogged here for years, I don't know what to say....
My mom passed away out on May 2014... It fucking sucks!! I'm terribly sad all the time I can't stop.
I've been working for a company for over a year now: Kayso International Inc.
I really enjoy it there, we're constantly busy and we have started traveling a bit to sell our masks.
Since my mom has been gone I feel like us the sibblings have gotten cloer but we're unsure of my dad. People always ask us how he's doing and I honestly don't know what to do. When I talk to him over th phone he always feels scolded but I feel like he's making himself as a victim in all this. I guess I'm a little recentful towards him in the way he treated my mom the last few years and how she felt alone. I haven't told anyone but it was so hard. It's the first time I have actually admitted to this. I'm actually a bit upset he's not being responsible and I hate being the parent for him.
I really feel bad. I'm struggling with my life and here I am sorrying about my dad. it dosn't make sense to me.
There are so many thought going through my had lately and I'm tired of just hiding bhind my other thoughts. I just feel like there is so much on my shoulders. I feel like I don't get enough fresh air. I feel insane sometimes... I feel like I want to do so many things and then I feel like I don't want to do anything at all.
I really wanted to talk more about my mom it just makes me feels better because it's been 8 months I feel so alone without her. I feel like there is no family. My aunts (who? ) ... My grandma split a little under a month after we burried my mom. I am going to admit I'm upset at many people in my family... no one is there, maybe they're upset too, maybe I'm being selfish. I'm the one who is having to reach out and honest I don't want to, I want them to come to me... I'm tired of being the one who reaches out. I really am... I don't know but I feel out of the loop.
I think I am feeling better at the moment. I needed this to get out. I needed to feel better I needed to write without thinking. I love writing to feel better.
Friday, January 23, 2015
Thursday, January 22, 2015
My mom passed away
It's so weird how life is just twisted in so many ways (I know so my debt *rolls eyes*). The most unexpected things in life happen and sometimes they suck ... (vague, yeah whatever)
Since my last post in April, many things have happened but we will start from the one that affects me the most. And that starts with well I suppose shortly after we found out my mom was really sick. We knew she had a small stomach ache but we never would have imagined the results. My mom was one of the most health concerned person, we knew she struggled with weight but she always cared about it. So it was a real shocker to us all.
Apparently, she has started having a small stomach ache right before my dad went to go help my uncle out in Minnesota. My mom went with him to be supportive and well the family out there wanted her to go because she was a Mexican Masseuse. That one is a tough one to explain. You don't exactly know what's wrong but you know how to fix the person one their stress. It's massage, You don't know the terminology but it does the job. Granted you are tried after the massage but the satisfaction is rewarding, ok hope that explains that. Anyways, so my mom went on living like the pain was going to go away and as much as we told her to go get checked she felt that her natural remedies were going to help her but honestly I don't blame her if I was ever that sick I'm sure I would want to postpone going to find out that I would die in so much pain. When she was finally able to afford the medical testing they told her she has tumors in her liver which explained why her stomach hurt so they wanted to do a biopsy to see what was happening. I knew the doctor knew what was happening you could see it in his face when he told her about the tumors. When we left my mom asked if I felt the doctor was being honest. And, I told her the truth, I knew she was a person of strong character and her stomach was swollen a bit already. I told her I felt that she had cancer and he didn't want to say it. It was a small while until she was able to afford the biopsy but she got it done. She became jaundice and started to notice at her results appointment which was when we found out for sure she has cancer. It was May 14, 2014. We were still shocked ... and of course devastated. One o thing that upset me so much was that it felt like the doctor was giving her hope and I know it's a good thing but it was just a stab in the heart at the same time even though I didn't quite know what was happening. He said that she has Colon cancer with a metastic (?) liver.... So it was spreading and quick... she was stage 4 already.The doctor asked me to stay in the room with him for a bit as my parents went to talk to the assistant. In the room he told me I had to braise myself and be strong because my mom wasn't going to make it. We needed to make her as comfortable as possible in the months to come because it was going to be tough for all. I ask him for a letter for my aunt from mexico to come (My mom's sister). I even asked for her records so that I could see if she could get chemo or radiation. There I was trying to be strong. It was so hard. When I helped my mom back to the outside of the building as my dad got the car, I was trying to be positive but I couldn't help but to think that I wasn't going to have her in our life soon enough was hard. It was so painful to think about. I had taken a little time from work to go with my parents to the doctor, but after the news I couldn't go to work again. I couldn't relax or compose my self, I didn't know what to do and I was worried. My mind was going crazy with ideas. It was going devastate the family.We had been avoiding telling my sister all of our concerns with my getting more ill because she was expecting but this time I knew that if we didn't tell her she was going to hate us or something. The first thing I did was call off work and call her... I told her we needed to talk and she asked about what so of course I told her about my and she worried. She said she would drive towards LA while I drove Inland so we could meet half way.... Bad idea... I knew it so I declined her offer. She said she was going to leave work immediately and she went home so I told her to just wait for me. I called Johnson and I think he got off work and I picked up Danny from school I just needed them.
When I got there I was panicking but still trying to play it ok, I didn't know how I was going to tell her the news and still needed. I don't remember much about who was all there, just that she was my focus. I didn't know how she was going to take it but I was very worried because was pregnant. I know my mom didn't want her to know to protect her but she needed to know, it was her right to know too, we were all being affected. When I told my sister, she reacted in a way I was worried about specailly if she would have driven to see me. She fell to the floor in shock literally and kept saying that she was sick to her stomach... She threw up from the news. Erick showed up and she said that she wanted to go see mom and I told her that she should be getting home. I suggested she wait a little and go, They left almost immediately. I'm glad mom wasn't alone that day. She needed someone there like I was with her earlier on.
May 23, 2014 I drove up to Apple Valley like I did every weekend but this time I went up on friday. I was able to convince my mom to finally go to the hospital since the appointment we has been waiting for was hurrying up. (BTW the appointment didn't come until a month and a half after she passed away) The next morning, I helped her to the restroom and I helped her change into clothes. She was barely able to walk anymore and it was so hard seeing her like this but she knew she was always able to count on me, like she always said I was her right hand. And I always tried to support her in every way that I could. I'm not going to say that we never had disagreements or that we were perfect because we were not even close but we did become pretty close with the years. We literally became like best friends.
On the 24th, When I helped her get ready and helped her get back in bed, she told me she was ready to go to the hospital. I was happy to hear her say that to me. It was a relief and hard thing to hear. When she said let's go I told her no. I wasn't going to have her sit down and endure waiting for the doctor to call her in, I told her I was going to call the ambulance to take her and that's what I did. I'm so happy that she agreed and wasn't stubborn about that. It was my parents 28th wedding anniversary on that day. 28 years married ...many rocky roads but they were finally reconciling some of their differences I guess it happened at the end so there was a lot of repenting.
There different doctor gave us different time frames. The doctor that gave us the diagnoses gave 5-8 months... The doctors in the hospital were not that hopeful. She wasn't ready to go there was so many thing she wanted to do and so many dreams she wanted to accomplish. My mom was goal oriented and she left too early, she was loved so much by so many people. To this day it's still a shock she has passed. It happened so fast the world she knew never caught on.
I didn't work Monday because it was a holiday but in reality I asked for the day off because I wanted to be with her. I did have to return to work on Tuesday and The hospital called me because they wanted to set her up with hospice they needed to set it up. My mom always trusted that I would always do the best for her. I always had her best interest. She always had trust in me and it would definitely be something that I would have never betrayed. The hospice people wanted me to go up Tuesday but I couldn't so I set it up for Wednesday and I made sure most of us were there: My dad, my sister, my bro Orland and his girlfriend Melissa. We all got to see her. It worked out we got together with hospice and made the arrangements, My mom was going to finally come home the next day Thursday. I was so scared but I was happy she was going to be home. My sis and I were going to find a way to alternate and make this work. I was scared my mom was going to want to go home. She hated hospitals but at that point she just felt safer it made me sad they didn't let her stay there. We were there with her including my grandma, and her aunt Socorrito and goddaughter cristal. We all prayed with her and I fed her cherry Popsicle. My mom was trying to eat because she wanted to get better. She was talking so much.
Ok backtrack a little...
Earlier that day when I was at work her comadre Mercedes called me and asked me to call my dad. My mom really needed to see him, I did and he head over. Later on the nurse called me and said that my mom was really asking for her sister from mexico and she was wondering what she had to do to make it happen. I told her that that had been done and that she was on her way. The nurse was happy to hear. (My aunt got her permit to come see my mom the day she passed away, it was too late)
Ok back,
After we all hung out with my mom the nurse kicked everybody out but I had asked her for permission to stay with her a bit longer, I am so grateful she did allow me that. I was with my mom until 10pmish at that point I go and tell my mom I was leaving and she asks me "Porque?" in such a sad voice.... And I tell that I have to get up early for work and she said Ok... So I tell her, "I love you" like I always do and she said, "me too... " just as she always did... I left the room and I couldn't stop crying ... the nurse gave me such a big hug. It made me feel better. I drove home. It was like 12:30am when I was getting in bed. I fell asleep and stomach woke me up hurting at like 6:20 but I tried to sleep it through but still got up and went to the rest room and took my phone. my alarm went off at 6:45 and I turn it off... I see I have a missed call from the hospital from 1 am-ish I panic and hear the message but it just says to call back. And at the moment my dad calls me and give me the worst news in the world My mom had passed away. I couldn't breath, she was suppose to go home that day. In fact the day before she kept saying she was going to go home and we were assuring her we were taking her home. And she would look at me with a fixed upset stare and say, "Reyna, pero ya!" which means "NOW!" She knew that I was the one who got things done around anywhere. I was working on it but not fast enough. At the end, she felt like she was actually telling us that she was going to home but not our home but home with God.
I called my bro's ... it was so hard to break the news. They each had their hard time at work but I told them if they could to stay put so they don't overreact. I drove straight to my sister's to give her the news... she took this one much better as I reacted to this news like she reacted to the cancer news... I was strong and it helped me out. I headed to be with my dad in the hospital, he was alone with her body and in fact he discovered her. He was headed to work when the nursed called him at 6:20 asking him to go in that my mom was having some difficulties and luckily he was basically about to pass the hospital. he headed right over and when he went in she was no longer. She has passed. He informed and they told him that they had just checked on her and she hadn't been and it must have happened right before he went in.
When I got there it was just my dad and myself with her body. We were just there with her. We didn't want her to be alone but I left so bad and guilty I didn't spend the night like I originally wanted. I was selfish and I wanted to work. My dad and I were just sitting and talking there. It was hard. I was talking to my dad and pouring myself he told me to look at my mom. Sometimes it was hard, I was looking at her from afar but I wasn't really paying attention. He body was cold, I was afraid I was still going to see the pain in her face. I went to her and I saw her... I'm never going to forget her face. I saw her face so peaceful. I swear it looked like she has a small smile, like she was happy, like she was having a happy dream and she was just sleeping. It was a day I don't think I will forget. It was amazing, it was a sign from God, like she was okay. It made me feel a little better. It was like my silver lining...
I was the last one my mom got to see the night before and I am fortunate to have been there for a little longer. I'm happy I was the last person who was with her before she passed. My mom was amazing and this is so painful to write but there are so many things I have to get out. The sad part is that I couldn't go into more detail. My brain hurts. It's about to be 8 months and it hurts so much, it's insane. So many memories. So many crazy stories.
I hadn't blogged in forever. I had kept everything bottled in and no one has cared enough to ask. I felt it was time I just let a little on me on the pages. I needed this and my mom needed this. There is so much to write and not enough time. But, I'm glad I was able to... I know no one will likely read this and it's fine but it's mainly written for me. I know, I know it's tl;dr it always is with me. And that fine...
Short version. My mom passed away from cancer from the colon and it spread to her liver which spread everywhere... she died from an infection caused because the liver wasn't functioning and her liver eventually shut down. Her cancer came fast and it hit hard. She suffered but I hope not a lot. I feel like God made her not go through too much agony. She was a good person.
She took her first breath March 12, 1962 and her last breath May 29, 2014. She had just turned 52 years old had 4 kids, 3 Grandkids : Danny, Roland and Liam and 2 girls on the way. Her dream to have a little girl in her life was coming but unfortunately it happened too late but she was excited to find out.
May she be in the presence on the great Shepherd. RIP mom... forever loved by all of us and all the people that she knew and that knew her.
Since my last post in April, many things have happened but we will start from the one that affects me the most. And that starts with well I suppose shortly after we found out my mom was really sick. We knew she had a small stomach ache but we never would have imagined the results. My mom was one of the most health concerned person, we knew she struggled with weight but she always cared about it. So it was a real shocker to us all.
Apparently, she has started having a small stomach ache right before my dad went to go help my uncle out in Minnesota. My mom went with him to be supportive and well the family out there wanted her to go because she was a Mexican Masseuse. That one is a tough one to explain. You don't exactly know what's wrong but you know how to fix the person one their stress. It's massage, You don't know the terminology but it does the job. Granted you are tried after the massage but the satisfaction is rewarding, ok hope that explains that. Anyways, so my mom went on living like the pain was going to go away and as much as we told her to go get checked she felt that her natural remedies were going to help her but honestly I don't blame her if I was ever that sick I'm sure I would want to postpone going to find out that I would die in so much pain. When she was finally able to afford the medical testing they told her she has tumors in her liver which explained why her stomach hurt so they wanted to do a biopsy to see what was happening. I knew the doctor knew what was happening you could see it in his face when he told her about the tumors. When we left my mom asked if I felt the doctor was being honest. And, I told her the truth, I knew she was a person of strong character and her stomach was swollen a bit already. I told her I felt that she had cancer and he didn't want to say it. It was a small while until she was able to afford the biopsy but she got it done. She became jaundice and started to notice at her results appointment which was when we found out for sure she has cancer. It was May 14, 2014. We were still shocked ... and of course devastated. One o thing that upset me so much was that it felt like the doctor was giving her hope and I know it's a good thing but it was just a stab in the heart at the same time even though I didn't quite know what was happening. He said that she has Colon cancer with a metastic (?) liver.... So it was spreading and quick... she was stage 4 already.The doctor asked me to stay in the room with him for a bit as my parents went to talk to the assistant. In the room he told me I had to braise myself and be strong because my mom wasn't going to make it. We needed to make her as comfortable as possible in the months to come because it was going to be tough for all. I ask him for a letter for my aunt from mexico to come (My mom's sister). I even asked for her records so that I could see if she could get chemo or radiation. There I was trying to be strong. It was so hard. When I helped my mom back to the outside of the building as my dad got the car, I was trying to be positive but I couldn't help but to think that I wasn't going to have her in our life soon enough was hard. It was so painful to think about. I had taken a little time from work to go with my parents to the doctor, but after the news I couldn't go to work again. I couldn't relax or compose my self, I didn't know what to do and I was worried. My mind was going crazy with ideas. It was going devastate the family.We had been avoiding telling my sister all of our concerns with my getting more ill because she was expecting but this time I knew that if we didn't tell her she was going to hate us or something. The first thing I did was call off work and call her... I told her we needed to talk and she asked about what so of course I told her about my and she worried. She said she would drive towards LA while I drove Inland so we could meet half way.... Bad idea... I knew it so I declined her offer. She said she was going to leave work immediately and she went home so I told her to just wait for me. I called Johnson and I think he got off work and I picked up Danny from school I just needed them.
When I got there I was panicking but still trying to play it ok, I didn't know how I was going to tell her the news and still needed. I don't remember much about who was all there, just that she was my focus. I didn't know how she was going to take it but I was very worried because was pregnant. I know my mom didn't want her to know to protect her but she needed to know, it was her right to know too, we were all being affected. When I told my sister, she reacted in a way I was worried about specailly if she would have driven to see me. She fell to the floor in shock literally and kept saying that she was sick to her stomach... She threw up from the news. Erick showed up and she said that she wanted to go see mom and I told her that she should be getting home. I suggested she wait a little and go, They left almost immediately. I'm glad mom wasn't alone that day. She needed someone there like I was with her earlier on.
May 23, 2014 I drove up to Apple Valley like I did every weekend but this time I went up on friday. I was able to convince my mom to finally go to the hospital since the appointment we has been waiting for was hurrying up. (BTW the appointment didn't come until a month and a half after she passed away) The next morning, I helped her to the restroom and I helped her change into clothes. She was barely able to walk anymore and it was so hard seeing her like this but she knew she was always able to count on me, like she always said I was her right hand. And I always tried to support her in every way that I could. I'm not going to say that we never had disagreements or that we were perfect because we were not even close but we did become pretty close with the years. We literally became like best friends.
On the 24th, When I helped her get ready and helped her get back in bed, she told me she was ready to go to the hospital. I was happy to hear her say that to me. It was a relief and hard thing to hear. When she said let's go I told her no. I wasn't going to have her sit down and endure waiting for the doctor to call her in, I told her I was going to call the ambulance to take her and that's what I did. I'm so happy that she agreed and wasn't stubborn about that. It was my parents 28th wedding anniversary on that day. 28 years married ...many rocky roads but they were finally reconciling some of their differences I guess it happened at the end so there was a lot of repenting.
There different doctor gave us different time frames. The doctor that gave us the diagnoses gave 5-8 months... The doctors in the hospital were not that hopeful. She wasn't ready to go there was so many thing she wanted to do and so many dreams she wanted to accomplish. My mom was goal oriented and she left too early, she was loved so much by so many people. To this day it's still a shock she has passed. It happened so fast the world she knew never caught on.
I didn't work Monday because it was a holiday but in reality I asked for the day off because I wanted to be with her. I did have to return to work on Tuesday and The hospital called me because they wanted to set her up with hospice they needed to set it up. My mom always trusted that I would always do the best for her. I always had her best interest. She always had trust in me and it would definitely be something that I would have never betrayed. The hospice people wanted me to go up Tuesday but I couldn't so I set it up for Wednesday and I made sure most of us were there: My dad, my sister, my bro Orland and his girlfriend Melissa. We all got to see her. It worked out we got together with hospice and made the arrangements, My mom was going to finally come home the next day Thursday. I was so scared but I was happy she was going to be home. My sis and I were going to find a way to alternate and make this work. I was scared my mom was going to want to go home. She hated hospitals but at that point she just felt safer it made me sad they didn't let her stay there. We were there with her including my grandma, and her aunt Socorrito and goddaughter cristal. We all prayed with her and I fed her cherry Popsicle. My mom was trying to eat because she wanted to get better. She was talking so much.
Ok backtrack a little...
Earlier that day when I was at work her comadre Mercedes called me and asked me to call my dad. My mom really needed to see him, I did and he head over. Later on the nurse called me and said that my mom was really asking for her sister from mexico and she was wondering what she had to do to make it happen. I told her that that had been done and that she was on her way. The nurse was happy to hear. (My aunt got her permit to come see my mom the day she passed away, it was too late)
Ok back,
After we all hung out with my mom the nurse kicked everybody out but I had asked her for permission to stay with her a bit longer, I am so grateful she did allow me that. I was with my mom until 10pmish at that point I go and tell my mom I was leaving and she asks me "Porque?" in such a sad voice.... And I tell that I have to get up early for work and she said Ok... So I tell her, "I love you" like I always do and she said, "me too... " just as she always did... I left the room and I couldn't stop crying ... the nurse gave me such a big hug. It made me feel better. I drove home. It was like 12:30am when I was getting in bed. I fell asleep and stomach woke me up hurting at like 6:20 but I tried to sleep it through but still got up and went to the rest room and took my phone. my alarm went off at 6:45 and I turn it off... I see I have a missed call from the hospital from 1 am-ish I panic and hear the message but it just says to call back. And at the moment my dad calls me and give me the worst news in the world My mom had passed away. I couldn't breath, she was suppose to go home that day. In fact the day before she kept saying she was going to go home and we were assuring her we were taking her home. And she would look at me with a fixed upset stare and say, "Reyna, pero ya!" which means "NOW!" She knew that I was the one who got things done around anywhere. I was working on it but not fast enough. At the end, she felt like she was actually telling us that she was going to home but not our home but home with God.
I called my bro's ... it was so hard to break the news. They each had their hard time at work but I told them if they could to stay put so they don't overreact. I drove straight to my sister's to give her the news... she took this one much better as I reacted to this news like she reacted to the cancer news... I was strong and it helped me out. I headed to be with my dad in the hospital, he was alone with her body and in fact he discovered her. He was headed to work when the nursed called him at 6:20 asking him to go in that my mom was having some difficulties and luckily he was basically about to pass the hospital. he headed right over and when he went in she was no longer. She has passed. He informed and they told him that they had just checked on her and she hadn't been and it must have happened right before he went in.
When I got there it was just my dad and myself with her body. We were just there with her. We didn't want her to be alone but I left so bad and guilty I didn't spend the night like I originally wanted. I was selfish and I wanted to work. My dad and I were just sitting and talking there. It was hard. I was talking to my dad and pouring myself he told me to look at my mom. Sometimes it was hard, I was looking at her from afar but I wasn't really paying attention. He body was cold, I was afraid I was still going to see the pain in her face. I went to her and I saw her... I'm never going to forget her face. I saw her face so peaceful. I swear it looked like she has a small smile, like she was happy, like she was having a happy dream and she was just sleeping. It was a day I don't think I will forget. It was amazing, it was a sign from God, like she was okay. It made me feel a little better. It was like my silver lining...
I was the last one my mom got to see the night before and I am fortunate to have been there for a little longer. I'm happy I was the last person who was with her before she passed. My mom was amazing and this is so painful to write but there are so many things I have to get out. The sad part is that I couldn't go into more detail. My brain hurts. It's about to be 8 months and it hurts so much, it's insane. So many memories. So many crazy stories.
I hadn't blogged in forever. I had kept everything bottled in and no one has cared enough to ask. I felt it was time I just let a little on me on the pages. I needed this and my mom needed this. There is so much to write and not enough time. But, I'm glad I was able to... I know no one will likely read this and it's fine but it's mainly written for me. I know, I know it's tl;dr it always is with me. And that fine...
Short version. My mom passed away from cancer from the colon and it spread to her liver which spread everywhere... she died from an infection caused because the liver wasn't functioning and her liver eventually shut down. Her cancer came fast and it hit hard. She suffered but I hope not a lot. I feel like God made her not go through too much agony. She was a good person.
She took her first breath March 12, 1962 and her last breath May 29, 2014. She had just turned 52 years old had 4 kids, 3 Grandkids : Danny, Roland and Liam and 2 girls on the way. Her dream to have a little girl in her life was coming but unfortunately it happened too late but she was excited to find out.
May she be in the presence on the great Shepherd. RIP mom... forever loved by all of us and all the people that she knew and that knew her.
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
Why is it so hard to let go?
I don't understand yet I do. I've been in similar shoes but not anymore. I've moved on, I'm grown as a woman, I've learned from my mistakes and I want to be better.
Sometimes I wonder why people let themselves be victims. Don't get me wrong many of these people don't consider themselves victims but they know they have a choice and they still choose to stay there. I know "Love" is a huge factor but is it enough to make you erase all the name that so call love makes you jump through to prove it.
So many people in this world are going through different abuse... Mental, physical emotional. It's so hard to get away from it but why? Why must we let other step all over us and walk all over us. Why?
I know it's not easy and nothing in life ever is... but well all have to encourage and be supportive to those in need. I wish I could have more time to write but I'm definitely too tired.
Sometimes I wonder why people let themselves be victims. Don't get me wrong many of these people don't consider themselves victims but they know they have a choice and they still choose to stay there. I know "Love" is a huge factor but is it enough to make you erase all the name that so call love makes you jump through to prove it.
So many people in this world are going through different abuse... Mental, physical emotional. It's so hard to get away from it but why? Why must we let other step all over us and walk all over us. Why?
I know it's not easy and nothing in life ever is... but well all have to encourage and be supportive to those in need. I wish I could have more time to write but I'm definitely too tired.
Friday, February 21, 2014
It's all still slow
Since I'm still getting into the hang of this writing thing with so many changes happening I still haven't done pictures. We hardly take pictures now. And the few that we I hardly have time to upload to my little laptop. Or many it's laziness but I surely prefer sleeping.
It's friday and I'm relaxing. It has felt like such a long week.
Danny got an award for doing better in school and well in Math. So proud of him, he can go to Shakey's Pizza for a personal pizza. Very happy! The only thing was he was so tired last night so he started acting up. I think that really got to Johnson. I know they were both very tired. I was too and it was tough but I think Johnson got very upset. Last night he went to talk to Danny and came back upset. I don't know how bad the convo or if Danny said something offended or what. But, Johnson came back overwhelmed and said, "you go talk to him!" And he left. I guess he went for a drive. I went to ask Danny what happen and talk to him and he said nothing. Johnson hasn't talked about it and doesn't want to because he ignores my questions.
I don't know. Maybe he nice time to rest and relax by himself. I think tomorrow I'm going to take danny to his catechism class and go chill somewhere. Then once Danny is out I'm going to go to the swapmeet with danny and have some mommy son time. I think Danny needs that also. We're always so tired from work that we haven't had too much time to pay attention to him. We're all overwhelmed and God know I need a huge break too but this is why I started writing. I use to be trapped and stuck and didn't have much of an outlet and well writing sure keeps me sane. I don't feel as crazy anymore. I think Johnson should do the same. I think he would relax a bit.
He's a patient person but he's finally peaked. I don't want him to build resentment. I guess I think I've pushed him as well. He's meaner and he doesn't even realize it. Yesterday I asked him to put lotion inmy back and he did and then he put the cold bottle on my back after a few complaints... I jsut stop moving and didn't say anything ... I couldn't let it but cry. I felt hurt.
Anyways... I feel better writing. :) Happiness comes with releasing my stress.
It's friday and I'm relaxing. It has felt like such a long week.
Danny got an award for doing better in school and well in Math. So proud of him, he can go to Shakey's Pizza for a personal pizza. Very happy! The only thing was he was so tired last night so he started acting up. I think that really got to Johnson. I know they were both very tired. I was too and it was tough but I think Johnson got very upset. Last night he went to talk to Danny and came back upset. I don't know how bad the convo or if Danny said something offended or what. But, Johnson came back overwhelmed and said, "you go talk to him!" And he left. I guess he went for a drive. I went to ask Danny what happen and talk to him and he said nothing. Johnson hasn't talked about it and doesn't want to because he ignores my questions.
I don't know. Maybe he nice time to rest and relax by himself. I think tomorrow I'm going to take danny to his catechism class and go chill somewhere. Then once Danny is out I'm going to go to the swapmeet with danny and have some mommy son time. I think Danny needs that also. We're always so tired from work that we haven't had too much time to pay attention to him. We're all overwhelmed and God know I need a huge break too but this is why I started writing. I use to be trapped and stuck and didn't have much of an outlet and well writing sure keeps me sane. I don't feel as crazy anymore. I think Johnson should do the same. I think he would relax a bit.
He's a patient person but he's finally peaked. I don't want him to build resentment. I guess I think I've pushed him as well. He's meaner and he doesn't even realize it. Yesterday I asked him to put lotion inmy back and he did and then he put the cold bottle on my back after a few complaints... I jsut stop moving and didn't say anything ... I couldn't let it but cry. I felt hurt.
Anyways... I feel better writing. :) Happiness comes with releasing my stress.
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
coming back to what I need to do to to be sane
Whoa! It's been such a long time since I've blogged. I've since xanga so much. I miss writing I'm so tired so busy. No time to write and that sucks so much. Well I guess I'm going to update in a minimal sense.
So in November Danny and I came to live with Johnson and his mom and bro. It was a hard decision not because I didn't want to but because of the smoking and no room and it just frankly grossed me out. I'm still grossed a lot but I guess I've learned to deal with it. There is nothing I can do. Sometimes i do but it's so overwhelming. It sucks feeling like you have to give up and that you want to live somewhere else as soon as you can. There is no space so we have a mess. At least my son gets his own room which makes it better so he can relax.
I started working for one of Johnson's friends. I enjoy it. I'm kept busy all day. It's a tiny little company they're trying to build so it's a lot of busy work. They sell masquerade masks so sometimes there are sales. I am exhausted though. I'm in at 8 and out at 5. Then a lot of homework with Danny. Sometimes I want to scream and maybe I would release some tension. But, I can't.
It's been a tough transition but on the right hand I've been able to buy Danny shoes and uniforms.
I'm sure it's been a little tough and Johnson as well. He's sometimes on edge even though he says he's not.
It's' been a couple of days so I'll cooled off. I mean don't get me wrong. It's the happiness moment in our family when we heard the news. My sister is pregnant. We're so excited except she's being secretive which is ok, I suppose but she's going to be one of those edgy ones.She wont tell us the due date or how far along she is because it's a secret. I guess I was a little hurt she never told me anything. When I found out I was pregnant with my son. Yea, my friends found out only because I was in college and they were there. But, the first person I told was my sister. I just wished that when she was pregnant she would have done the same.But, I guess she's never been one to tell me much. it always feels like she pushes me out and it has always hurt. She has her friends and she wont let us in. I guess I'm a bit jealous and always have been especially because I don't have friends like those. But, it just feels like when we're around her friends just give off this "You don't belong here" feeling to me... I don't know if anyone has felt it or maybe because I have known then or seems then since they were little when they were growing up.I don't know.
The frustration of this can feel overwhelming to me like no one might understand. Well I'm sure there are some people who do. But, anyways.
I'm excited. I'm going to be an auntie again. We'll see if to a boy or a girl. I have 2 adorable little nephew. She shall see when she finds out in a few months or if she decides to keep that a secret then well when the baby is born. Who knows... from what I hear she wasn't only rude to me when I asked her touch her tummy or when I asked her about due date. Only 2 of her frie nds know.
I'm not going to push the matter they can give her all the attentions she needs. She can be high maintenance and I guess I'll wait until she comes to us. She will. Other than that we'll just stay clear until she wants us near.
Alright so that's that. It felt good being able to type and just blow on paper. I sometimes feel I can't say much or do much. Sometimes I feel less freedom. I don't have less freedom. I mean, less 'me' time. That's the overwhelming thing. Wake up early,work, even my lunch usually not the whole time because things need to be done. Then pick up Danny homework.All I could do if I can is go to sleep and eat... *sigh* I don't even have time to write anymore. I think that's what was killing me the most. Sometimes I'm screaming inside and I can't let it out.
So in November Danny and I came to live with Johnson and his mom and bro. It was a hard decision not because I didn't want to but because of the smoking and no room and it just frankly grossed me out. I'm still grossed a lot but I guess I've learned to deal with it. There is nothing I can do. Sometimes i do but it's so overwhelming. It sucks feeling like you have to give up and that you want to live somewhere else as soon as you can. There is no space so we have a mess. At least my son gets his own room which makes it better so he can relax.
I started working for one of Johnson's friends. I enjoy it. I'm kept busy all day. It's a tiny little company they're trying to build so it's a lot of busy work. They sell masquerade masks so sometimes there are sales. I am exhausted though. I'm in at 8 and out at 5. Then a lot of homework with Danny. Sometimes I want to scream and maybe I would release some tension. But, I can't.
It's been a tough transition but on the right hand I've been able to buy Danny shoes and uniforms.
I'm sure it's been a little tough and Johnson as well. He's sometimes on edge even though he says he's not.
It's' been a couple of days so I'll cooled off. I mean don't get me wrong. It's the happiness moment in our family when we heard the news. My sister is pregnant. We're so excited except she's being secretive which is ok, I suppose but she's going to be one of those edgy ones.She wont tell us the due date or how far along she is because it's a secret. I guess I was a little hurt she never told me anything. When I found out I was pregnant with my son. Yea, my friends found out only because I was in college and they were there. But, the first person I told was my sister. I just wished that when she was pregnant she would have done the same.But, I guess she's never been one to tell me much. it always feels like she pushes me out and it has always hurt. She has her friends and she wont let us in. I guess I'm a bit jealous and always have been especially because I don't have friends like those. But, it just feels like when we're around her friends just give off this "You don't belong here" feeling to me... I don't know if anyone has felt it or maybe because I have known then or seems then since they were little when they were growing up.I don't know.
The frustration of this can feel overwhelming to me like no one might understand. Well I'm sure there are some people who do. But, anyways.
I'm excited. I'm going to be an auntie again. We'll see if to a boy or a girl. I have 2 adorable little nephew. She shall see when she finds out in a few months or if she decides to keep that a secret then well when the baby is born. Who knows... from what I hear she wasn't only rude to me when I asked her touch her tummy or when I asked her about due date. Only 2 of her frie nds know.
I'm not going to push the matter they can give her all the attentions she needs. She can be high maintenance and I guess I'll wait until she comes to us. She will. Other than that we'll just stay clear until she wants us near.
Alright so that's that. It felt good being able to type and just blow on paper. I sometimes feel I can't say much or do much. Sometimes I feel less freedom. I don't have less freedom. I mean, less 'me' time. That's the overwhelming thing. Wake up early,work, even my lunch usually not the whole time because things need to be done. Then pick up Danny homework.All I could do if I can is go to sleep and eat... *sigh* I don't even have time to write anymore. I think that's what was killing me the most. Sometimes I'm screaming inside and I can't let it out.
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
black widows
A few days ago I wrote about how spiders made me feel. It was one of the worst, paralyzing, helpless feelings I had ever felt. My heart was racing, it was a form of anxiety and I hadn't felt anything close to that since college when the ex would deliberately drive me to anxiety attacks... anyways after going outside in the night and opening my eyes to the nocturnal life of spiders and particularly black widows: females and males.
My parents have this spray they use for some plants so that bugs don't eat them. My dad told me that would work. I applied some the night after I came to face with them. Some died which made me feel better... And other I felt ok, the next day... in our mail box there was a huge black bellied black widow... Can you imagine what I felt? First time I killed a spider/bug and I used a stick. The whole time I probably looked like a crazy person.
I spoke to my dad a few days ago. I think it was Saturday. I told him I don't want to go outside at night because the spiders have shown up. See my dad when I was young use to work for a pest control company so he has dealt with bugs his whole life and not only that but since he does a lot of construction and remodeling he deals with it all. But, since we've been lucky to have him who of us wants to really see what he sees. I guess we kind of take that for granted since he would after hours go outside with a bright flashlight and kill all the spiders. So my dad told me to use the red spray and I told him I had then he proceeded to say that he also had another one.
Sunday night, it was time to face my nightmare. My boyfriend and I went outside and both with our phone flashlights we went found found ever single little one. Now I see why my dad waits until night, not only are they night spiders but with the shadow any little light towards them can show a huge spider therefore by making them a lot more visible. I don't know how many we spray but it was in 30-40s or more I didn't count. There were so many little tiny ones, it was insane. We don't want them. It felt good killing them. I felt powerful. I mean I did have the poison. Must better than the feeling I had last time but I do admit I can't have a spiderweb touch me. I just can't. They're so sticky and I would get all edgy.
The spiders are dead and I'm happy! It's just peachy keen.
My parents have this spray they use for some plants so that bugs don't eat them. My dad told me that would work. I applied some the night after I came to face with them. Some died which made me feel better... And other I felt ok, the next day... in our mail box there was a huge black bellied black widow... Can you imagine what I felt? First time I killed a spider/bug and I used a stick. The whole time I probably looked like a crazy person.
I spoke to my dad a few days ago. I think it was Saturday. I told him I don't want to go outside at night because the spiders have shown up. See my dad when I was young use to work for a pest control company so he has dealt with bugs his whole life and not only that but since he does a lot of construction and remodeling he deals with it all. But, since we've been lucky to have him who of us wants to really see what he sees. I guess we kind of take that for granted since he would after hours go outside with a bright flashlight and kill all the spiders. So my dad told me to use the red spray and I told him I had then he proceeded to say that he also had another one.
Sunday night, it was time to face my nightmare. My boyfriend and I went outside and both with our phone flashlights we went found found ever single little one. Now I see why my dad waits until night, not only are they night spiders but with the shadow any little light towards them can show a huge spider therefore by making them a lot more visible. I don't know how many we spray but it was in 30-40s or more I didn't count. There were so many little tiny ones, it was insane. We don't want them. It felt good killing them. I felt powerful. I mean I did have the poison. Must better than the feeling I had last time but I do admit I can't have a spiderweb touch me. I just can't. They're so sticky and I would get all edgy.
The spiders are dead and I'm happy! It's just peachy keen.
Female Black widow
Male Black widow
this one tend to be much smaller but since these were the best pic so far.
Monday, September 16, 2013
old friendship and new relationships...
I know some people show their feelings online and some don't. It's normal, it's a form of self expression. I'm guilty of it myself. I mean it's a form I have to let it out. And I should probably just unsubscribe but you know I feel bad for this person. All she had is sad comments about her love life. I don't know the jist of what happen but as far as I can tell about it... maybe he broke up with her(or mutual) but she feels he might regret it one day. And that is what makes me so sad for the way she expresses herself. Just from experience but you have to live it and go through it to learn and manage the copping that comes with it.
I have learned many things and one is that guys don't regret very much. And sure sometimes we like to think they would regret it but I've learned that 99% of the time they don't. He would an odd ball out that would. Well not necessarily but if he loved her and she didn't and she broke up with him them... some guys are put in that position. (Same thing happens to guys is what I'm trying to say) There are many men and women who break and turn the nice good ones into what they become, heartless F****! That isn't always a bad thing but it can be. Opening up can be difficult. It only takes the right person coming into their lives.
I remember when my ex specifically (but not limited to other men I've dated in the past) broke up with me. I felt like (sadly) I was the best thing to happen to him (them) ( I wasn't, this wife now, who has been taken for granted is a great woman who has helped him a lot, a different story of why I think highly of her and I admire her) . And in a way it would make me feel better and then it would be myself kicking my self down because then that meant I even wasn't good enough. We tend to lie to ourselves and hurt ourselves even more.
Now it took me time to realize that maybe I wasn't the whole problem and maybe he was part of it as well. Duh, Sometimes I think we just suddenly become dumb when we're heart broken because we're not thinking clearly. You try and see if compatibility grows as you're getting to know each other better but sometimes syncing isn't quite as it should. Now, let's say that if I would have stayed with any of them, would I be happy? Sure I would be happy for a while but they wouldn't. So then with the disagreements and incompatibility would I be happy trying to make someone happy and sacrificing my happiness? Which let's say think of it this way: they loved you and you didn't love them... Would you be happy sacrificing yourself for a person? Women like I use to be and how some are, we would still be trying so hard to make it work no matter what. I think that even through our unhappiness we would keep trying but eventually that catches up to you. You can't compromise yourself and think you're going to be happy and most importantly you cannot compromise their happiness. It doesn't work this way and you're not suppose to make it work this way.
In a break-up or when you stop the dating, you're sort of going through a 'cold turkey' detox from a very powerful drug that our body makes while deeply infatuated or possibly in love. You're depressed or on a high making the reality and illusion. In all honesty what ever happens during those moments cannot really be remembered in all clarity because it's not. You're in your own personal drug withdrawals. I remember feeling the pain during what would be anniversaries and special days like Valentine's day. Suddenly that special love day become a horrible single awareness realization that you're going to be "Forever Alone." Not the case, but that's how we feel at the moment. Keep busy, will always be the best way to help getting through anything.
One thing we can always do is change those dates that have these nostalgic meanings into something positive. It's not an easy easy process but I assure you, that it is very possible. At first it's hard but after a while the positive becomes stronger than that nostalgic sad date. I, for example, was having a bit of a hard time for a while back in the past. My anniversary was November 5th... When I was expecting my son his due date was December 22, 2005 ... when it came time for the baby shower, well since I was in U of R ... my schedule was limited but the best day was November 5th, 2005... and although at the time it was still difficult, in the end it became such a memorable experience that all I remember for that date is happy moments. It was the celebration of my pregnancy with all my loved ones, friends, family, and my mom's friends and to be honest it was one of the happiest days of my life.
We need to remember the happy moments in the relationships we're in. And, let them go as they were, happy moments but never let those moments define your life. Don't make your life so miserable because you can't recreate those moments. The hard part is that as well, trying to move on. Also, don't reminisce on the negative but don't forget the bad. You must never forget the negative experiences so that you will know what to look for in the next relationship or when you date people. You should always learn from all experiences and take in the good and learn from the bad.
Red flagging will be your best friend. It may seem you're too off-standish or paranoid or even distrusting but give yourself time to really know the person. I once listed the characteristics/qualities I wanted in a man. Never just take anyone because they're paying attention to you. Give yourself, self worth.
What I have done in the past is meet people and get to know them as who they are and be accepting. It's best you know them, as who they are. Figure out their flaws, know your flaws as well, because as you have been burned by others, trust and be sure they have been burned themselves so opening up is always tough especially as we get older. When you know their flaws or just a few of them, think about it this way: Can I live with those? Do those[flaws] annoy me? How long will it take for that to irritate me? Can I love those flaws? You have to pick someone that you know you will be able to handle the worse you know about them...And most of all, know that what ever decision you make, it was a choice. It was a choice you made to love that person. Love is a choice you make from the get go. If you're looking for an adventure don't bother. Expect to be treated how you're treating them. It's as simple as that.
I'm a single mom and when I got with my boyfriend, we talked about how we felt about marriage in the future and what we felt about divorce. We agreed that for us marriage was a sacred bond between two people no matter what. And we agreed when and if we ever decided to get married, divorce wouldn't be on the plate. We don't think that starting marriage with the definition of divorce would lead us anywhere. Have in mind the things that you will want to know about that person and your position and their position. There many things to consider that will make the relationship work.
I am not married yet but I have to tell you, I've been the happiest in my life now than I have ever been. He's accepting, loving and caring. And we do have disagreements but we're able to talk and discuss. We communicate a and I'm sure that that is the best way to make any relationship work.
Best of luck!
I have learned many things and one is that guys don't regret very much. And sure sometimes we like to think they would regret it but I've learned that 99% of the time they don't. He would an odd ball out that would. Well not necessarily but if he loved her and she didn't and she broke up with him them... some guys are put in that position. (Same thing happens to guys is what I'm trying to say) There are many men and women who break and turn the nice good ones into what they become, heartless F****! That isn't always a bad thing but it can be. Opening up can be difficult. It only takes the right person coming into their lives.
I remember when my ex specifically (but not limited to other men I've dated in the past) broke up with me. I felt like (sadly) I was the best thing to happen to him (them) ( I wasn't, this wife now, who has been taken for granted is a great woman who has helped him a lot, a different story of why I think highly of her and I admire her) . And in a way it would make me feel better and then it would be myself kicking my self down because then that meant I even wasn't good enough. We tend to lie to ourselves and hurt ourselves even more.
Now it took me time to realize that maybe I wasn't the whole problem and maybe he was part of it as well. Duh, Sometimes I think we just suddenly become dumb when we're heart broken because we're not thinking clearly. You try and see if compatibility grows as you're getting to know each other better but sometimes syncing isn't quite as it should. Now, let's say that if I would have stayed with any of them, would I be happy? Sure I would be happy for a while but they wouldn't. So then with the disagreements and incompatibility would I be happy trying to make someone happy and sacrificing my happiness? Which let's say think of it this way: they loved you and you didn't love them... Would you be happy sacrificing yourself for a person? Women like I use to be and how some are, we would still be trying so hard to make it work no matter what. I think that even through our unhappiness we would keep trying but eventually that catches up to you. You can't compromise yourself and think you're going to be happy and most importantly you cannot compromise their happiness. It doesn't work this way and you're not suppose to make it work this way.
In a break-up or when you stop the dating, you're sort of going through a 'cold turkey' detox from a very powerful drug that our body makes while deeply infatuated or possibly in love. You're depressed or on a high making the reality and illusion. In all honesty what ever happens during those moments cannot really be remembered in all clarity because it's not. You're in your own personal drug withdrawals. I remember feeling the pain during what would be anniversaries and special days like Valentine's day. Suddenly that special love day become a horrible single awareness realization that you're going to be "Forever Alone." Not the case, but that's how we feel at the moment. Keep busy, will always be the best way to help getting through anything.
One thing we can always do is change those dates that have these nostalgic meanings into something positive. It's not an easy easy process but I assure you, that it is very possible. At first it's hard but after a while the positive becomes stronger than that nostalgic sad date. I, for example, was having a bit of a hard time for a while back in the past. My anniversary was November 5th... When I was expecting my son his due date was December 22, 2005 ... when it came time for the baby shower, well since I was in U of R ... my schedule was limited but the best day was November 5th, 2005... and although at the time it was still difficult, in the end it became such a memorable experience that all I remember for that date is happy moments. It was the celebration of my pregnancy with all my loved ones, friends, family, and my mom's friends and to be honest it was one of the happiest days of my life.
We need to remember the happy moments in the relationships we're in. And, let them go as they were, happy moments but never let those moments define your life. Don't make your life so miserable because you can't recreate those moments. The hard part is that as well, trying to move on. Also, don't reminisce on the negative but don't forget the bad. You must never forget the negative experiences so that you will know what to look for in the next relationship or when you date people. You should always learn from all experiences and take in the good and learn from the bad.
Red flagging will be your best friend. It may seem you're too off-standish or paranoid or even distrusting but give yourself time to really know the person. I once listed the characteristics/qualities I wanted in a man. Never just take anyone because they're paying attention to you. Give yourself, self worth.
What I have done in the past is meet people and get to know them as who they are and be accepting. It's best you know them, as who they are. Figure out their flaws, know your flaws as well, because as you have been burned by others, trust and be sure they have been burned themselves so opening up is always tough especially as we get older. When you know their flaws or just a few of them, think about it this way: Can I live with those? Do those[flaws] annoy me? How long will it take for that to irritate me? Can I love those flaws? You have to pick someone that you know you will be able to handle the worse you know about them...And most of all, know that what ever decision you make, it was a choice. It was a choice you made to love that person. Love is a choice you make from the get go. If you're looking for an adventure don't bother. Expect to be treated how you're treating them. It's as simple as that.
I'm a single mom and when I got with my boyfriend, we talked about how we felt about marriage in the future and what we felt about divorce. We agreed that for us marriage was a sacred bond between two people no matter what. And we agreed when and if we ever decided to get married, divorce wouldn't be on the plate. We don't think that starting marriage with the definition of divorce would lead us anywhere. Have in mind the things that you will want to know about that person and your position and their position. There many things to consider that will make the relationship work.
I am not married yet but I have to tell you, I've been the happiest in my life now than I have ever been. He's accepting, loving and caring. And we do have disagreements but we're able to talk and discuss. We communicate a and I'm sure that that is the best way to make any relationship work.
Best of luck!
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