I have always manage to find myself in many predicaments and sometimes not of my personal doing but other's (at the end it's us afterall). there are times of instead of thinking of ourselves we try to help others while putting life at a pause. For years I wanted an escape, I felt like running away... and maybe many times I did, not physically but manage to pull it off. My life has been on a hold for 4 years and I am not going to say this is because f my son because it is not. Having a child is a blessing but sometimes one becomes more comfortable with the solitude and manage to create a secluded world that keeps adding depth to the hole you manage to dig for yourself... and while you think that endless tears might one day bring you afloat; happens you just sink more. It is my fault and has always been. I was always to shy to quiet to stand up for myself. I wanted everybody to be happy and I thought that would be bring me happiness and it only brought solitude and isolation.
I ended up pushing all my friends... or actually kept myself so guarded that I don't have close friends because they have always been at a distance. I never learned to keep them or help them out in their situation. I depended on me and only me and didn't understand how people always depended on others. I was always there but it would have been just as much as if they were starring at themselves in the mirror. Useless.
Anyways back to topic and how I got on hold...
While anywhere, I just never fit or felt like I didn't. I was just a piece of furniture.
I remember when I worked my last week in school. That's when I knew graduation was quicky approcaching and that was my last source of financial aide but I was so exhausted that I was happy. I wanted to get out and I wanted to be free. I didn't care about walking because I just didn't want to do it. I just wanted to get out and be on with my life. My school involvement, my classes and homework, but work and taking care of my son was very difficult. Times at home were difficult because I wanted a little more help so I can finish school work and sleep a couple of hours... I never partied or went crazy or left my son it was all for school. But, I didn't have that support I was asking for. I had some but not all I wanted. I left alone. Alll I would hear " You wanted to bring this child into your life, now he's your responsibility" All I wanted was to be sane... So I fell deeper and deeper. Only I knew what was going on and how hard it was becoming to get out. I sunk in like quicksand and I had no escape and no one to talk to ( I probably did) but I felt alone and didn't have the courage to go seeking.
When I graduated I found myself without a job. I had nothing to do... sure I was already teaching but I was expecting to go out in the real world and have a full time job and the one I was doing. I had plans and goals that weren't meant... As months past, I kept myself more locked in my room... So, I decided to go out looking for a ray of sunshine something that would give me hope... and I applied for jobs... And nothing... had one interview at the time but never got the call back... lay-offs were in an all time high... I felt like I had failed in life.A degree, a child, living at the parents, no money, thousands in loans and nothing to show for myself.
It got to a point where, the pain so so numbing and I couldn't feel anything... nor tears would come out... that I got in a bit of a destructive mood. It felt great to have some sort of power that no one would take it away... but even that became nothing...
I had been taking my mom to her meetings and whatnot, and she had insisted I something... but I wasn't interested. I wasn't for me. But, then I was asked to do a lil translating, I was working ... pretty much for free but I was busy I was doing something and it felt great. I was doing some inputting, translating Doc... it was challenging because I only knew simple spanish but with this I had to know a whole business aspect and in Spanish. Shortly, After I started talking in front of people giving demos and doing translations for groups of 300+ people in a room. I was free as a bird. People knew my name and it felt great to be apart of something yet it was getting to a point where it was unfulfilling. I was working and I was known yet I was not getting money... How many people can support a child without any money... They would give me a few things... but not money... And then to top it off there was Drama... People love to bring me into their drama.
There were rumors about me. People were making up stories assumptions... kind of like Monica Lewinski except it wasn't the president and it sure as hell wasn't true. People assumed that with the interaction we had there was moree going on. But, I was a right hand person. I was there to do the job... I was a P.A. without the extra benefits ... that weren't needed, nor did I want... Besides I was still struggling with my personal life. I was confront by "Hilary" and well she yelled... she said what she had to... and then did a FB switch thing and tried to trick me... and like I said I was a professional in my job and had no interest for crap like that... She even wanted me to meet her somewhere the next day and I can honestly say I feared for me but I was going to go, I had nothing to hide. This was a Saturday and a Sunday. She said I was living off their money when I wasn't getting paid... what kind of **** is this? So fine! Sunday she apologized said she was sorry that it was her trying to figure info out and that I shouldn't be mad at any party, like she has a right to tell me that after all of that. So, Monday, I quit... I was done, finished... didn't talk about it ... people don't know... They just noticed a bit of a change... and once time people were complaining I wasn't doing my job... I just took it in and wouldn't say anything... so my mom stepped in and said she wasn't getting paid and most was voluntary so people backed off... You might be wondering, why I did so much for free.... And honestly, I obtained experience. I found out I had a talent to close people but I choose not to use it, because I hate the follow-up, I know stupid. I guess at the end I just became upset at the fact that you can trust people and they always find a way to messed things up. I was hurt by the accusations and the talk. I think that it was a bit damaging to my person's appearance but I didn't do anything. I was once told by a friend "Don't do something good that look bad, and don't do something bad that looks good" Either way they'll make you look bad no matter what.
At this, point here I felt knocked down. I concentrated more in teaching and watching my mother. We ended up having to move even farther which the peaceful, isolation of nothingness helped hope with everything. And, truly helped the recuperation of my mother's surgery. So after 1 year of looking for jobs... we loose the house... and then My mom's was in a horrible accident which was when they discovered her Brain tumor. 3 years after the brain surgery comes and the 3rd time moving came a long at the same time. I have been the one that packed most of the stuff all the times... and tried my best to do it all. Sure it has all been a struggle but to be honest if I wasn't for me the family would have struggled more and they wouldn't have been united. I think that I have somehow in my rare way kept the family together right now and through all the struggles... I am the one who is neutral and try to have a middle with everybody. I think that my short pause of life or lack of has been for the best of them. People ask me, " So, I guess you didn't get married anymore, huh?" What the heck am I suppose to do about that... Since my family needed me I was there. And to be honest it's a hard life and I have wanted to talk to people and they want to take me out which I would love to just pick up and leave and start a life but it all needs transitioning and patience. With a year of patience and dealing with it and working through it I think leaving for be easy but it cannot done (NOW) ... like let's just leave which I have to consider everything with my son. My life has never been easy but I guess I expect somebody to love me enough to be there for me so I can be there with them for the rest of their life. Because for me, Once I pick you, I pick you forever... but, I have it in me to be able to let go if necessary. I was brought up and grew up believing that love was forever. And to obtain my love, it's no easy way but meet the challenges and the minor criteria which if I talk to you I'm finding out or I know...
Anyways, this was such a long post but I needed to get everything out of my chest... I will probably still edit and/or eventually break it down... "Yo no se! Vamos a ver"
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